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Don't know what to say. Benji the bobcat
- Thread starter egroegart
- Start date
I just read this after I was away for a while, George I am so sorry for your loss. Try to remember the great years you gave Benji and the years he gave you. Hang in there buddy, time is the only thing that will help. I am here for you anytime you need to talk.
Mike
Mike
Dear George, I know I have never met you, but I still feel so very sad for you. I don't know why, but I have a very strange and even stronger feeling that I should write to you. It is probably the "Momma" side of me coming out, but for what ever the reason is, I feel I need to write to you.
At first I wanted to go off on a tangent about how what happened to you and Benji was unfair, mean and cruel, but I know you know that , and to be honest it would be pointless because that won't change anything. I am just so very sorry, my heart really does hurt for you. I have a huge place in my heart for animals - most of them are far better than most of the people on this planet. I know it isn't really necessary to tell you all this, but I just wanted you to get an idea of who I am so here is a little background on me - I am a retired SSgt from the USAF, mom of 4 "2 legged babies", a wife and the mom of 4 dogs, 6 cats, 2 horses and a variety of "vermin"
and a couple snakes. Like I said - huge soft spot in my heart for animals.
My niece posted the video of Benji on the dinner table on FB and from there on out I was in love =) I went onto Youtube and am in the process of watching some more of your videos. I wanted to know the story of how you came to bring Benji into your life so I used Google. That is when I came across this forum. After roughly 10 failed attempts to join the forum here I am.(i kept making stupid little typos)
Again, don't know if I have the words to say to comfort you, or if I have the ones that will convey how I feel, but I will still try.
First of all I am so so very sorry all this very painful stupidity (that is the only word I can think of to describe the people who took Benji from you, I'm not calling everything else "stupid") happened to you and Benji that ultimately led to his death. It was ridicules and unnecessary, beyond unnecessary. I simply do not understand why the people that created the new laws did not put some kind of "grandfather" clause within the law whereas if they did inspections on a regular basis, ensured that you were one of the people who knew what he was doing, then you could keep him. It only makes sense. They could have easily weeded out the stupid "oh everyone will think I am sooo cool if I get a ______!!" ***sigh*** I am sure that I am not saying anything you haven't already thought yourself. I'm just rambling, I do that when I am upset about something.
I'm gonna stop going there now ( the "why didn't theys" or the "they could ofs" )
I would NEVER say that I know exactly how you feel, that would be insensitive, disrespectful, and basically lying to you - I don't know exactly how you feel, we are all different and process sadness and loss differently. I do want to tell you about something that happened to me. It's apples and oranges compared to your situation, but it does still apply to the loss of a beloved pet and feeling the guilt from "if only".
I too am about to write a very long message, before I do I wanted to tell you how I feel about "long messages". You apologized a couple times for yours being so long, well hun here is how I feel about that. You are hurting and needed something to help you try to get rid of some, any of the pain. Writing is cathartic - it helps us relive something in a way that is not as painful as talking about it. When you write something down in a way you are taking it out of your brain and putting it somewhere else - maybe not all of it, but a tiny little bit and when you are hurting, getting rid of any of the paid, even the tiniest bit, helps. It gives us an opportunity to correct the things we say, or how we say them - if you are talking to someone you cannot do that so if you accidentally describe something, use the wrong word, that person may get a totally different, sometimes completely incorrect, understanding of how you feel about what is happening. As for people who might get "irritated" because your message is long and they don't want to read it because it takes too long? Well to those people I say "wah - freaking - wah". They need to seriously get the hell over themselves, they are not the only person on the planet so they shouldn't act like they are.
Writing tells your "story" and it doesn't matter one little bit if it is a 2 sentence story or a 100 page one, it is YOUR story and you have the right to tell it in a way that is as long as you need it to be. If people see it and think "wow that's too long to read" well in my opinion two things are happening when they do that 1) It is disrespectful to you - you took the time to pour your heart out, express how you feel and then someone basically says "my time is more valuable than your pain". That is wrong on so many levels. If you were telling the story by talking face to face with someone would they walk off half way through? No, so they should have the same respect for the written version. 2) Just because you wanted to take the time to write it all out, in no way are you forcing anyone to read anything - it is their choice. If they choose to care enough about you to read it, that is awesome, they are a true friend. If they choose to be disrespectful and not read it, well they can just move on. No one needs anyone like that in their life.
I want to tell you about something that happened to me and my "best friend" Tank, the most AMAZING English Bulldog in the world. He was like no other dog I have ever known or probably ever will know. I love ALL my animals, but Tank will always hold a special place in my heart that is reserved just for him.
My husband (also retired military) were stationed in Hawaii for 3 years. We got Tank from some good friends of ours who had just had their second child. They loved Tank (everyone did!!) but Bulldogs can be "high maintenance", they require a lot of attention and sometimes special care. Babies are the same - even more work at times - our friends realized that even though they loved him very much they just didn't have the time they used to when the new baby came along. We had "puppy-sat" Tank during Christmas when they went home to Florida and due to us all falling in love with him, and he falling in love with us, our friends decided that we would be the perfect family for him if we wanted him. It took no thinking at all to decide yes to their request.
Tank loved everyone. Our youngest was 2 1/2 at the time and had one of those little 3 wheeled scooters that you push with your foot to make it move. One day she brought it with her when she came with me and Tank on a walk. She wanted Tank to pull her on the scooter "like a horse" (and he was the size of a horse - 78 pounds, perfectly healthy, at least 90% of those 78 pounds was muscle. When I got worried about how much he weighed during a visit to the vet (Tank's vet was at one time the vet responsible for taking care of the The University of Georgia's English Bulldog, their mascot "Uga") The vet told me straight up - he is all muscle and is absolutely NOT overweight or any type of "fat") Anyways, so I tied Tanks leash to the handle of my daughter's scooter and off they went. He was SOOOOO gentle with her - always. That is how Tank became the neighborhood kids favorite dog. We would go on walks, my daughter would bring her scooter and the kids would line up waiting for Tank to take them on a ride. He loved it as much as they did, it was obvious by the way he would lose his mind with excitement when my daughter got her scooter out of the garage and Tank would patiently wait for me to tie the leash to the handle bar and then for each child to get on the scooter. As unbelievable as it is he would even turn around and look to make sure they were standing on it before he started off.
Tank also LOVED being in our van - it didn't matter if it was moving or simply parked in the driveway he still loved it. He was the most stubborn and definitely the most intelligent dog I have ever known. When we wanted to do something, nothing, come hell or high water was going to change his mind until HE was ready to change it lol. When we would get home from somewhere and Tank refused to get out of the van I had to get a broom and gently shoo him out - which then proceeded to turn into a battle between "The Mighty English Bulldog, AKA TANK and the evil broom monster". He would follow me and wait until I set the broom down, then when I walked away from the broom it was game on!!!! With the broom handle in his mouth - roughly 3 feet of it sticking out on either side - he would do whatever he could to try to get it through the gate (that alone was worth watching). Once it was in the back yard he would spend at least 1/2 an hour walking around, then stopping so he could shake the living daylights out of the broom. It was very comical and I would laugh every time I saw him do it. He only destroyed maybe 5 or 6 brooms, but usually he just left rows of snaggly teeth marks on the handles.
He was my best buddy. When I had to retire from the military early in my career (I was in for 12 years) due to complications from cancer many years previously, I became very depressed. (I have been cancer free for 13 years now!) I LOVED being in the military, it was totally amazing and life changing in good ways far more often then the bad. Due to one of those "life changing in a bad way" situations I encountered during my time in the military, I suffer from severe PTSD, which usually goes hand in hand with another condition call "agoraphobia" (Agoraphobia has a lot of symptoms to it, but the main ones are fear of leaving your home plus fear of large crowds)
Tank picked up on my conditions immediately and would do all kinds of things to help me in his way - make me take him for a walk when all I wanted to do was lay on the couch, jump up next to me on the couch and put his very large head and half his body in my lap every time I would cry, when I didn't eat because I didn't feel like it he would even start going back and forth to the kitchen begging for me to feed him, which by getting me in the kitchen I would then realize I needed to eat too so I would fix us both something. Those are just a few of the many ways he helped me get through things, honestly he seriously helped me "live my life". (My family was also very very supportive with everything, but the times when the kids were all in school and my husband was at work was when Tank would step in and take over.
Then when my mother died Tank and I went even further to help me. He knew I was hurting really bad and his was of making sure I was "OK" was to follow me around everywhere I went to keep tabs on me. I couldn't go to the bathroom without letting him in as well - if I didn't he would stand outside the door and head but it. Even when I took a shower - seriously, I have pictures of me taking a shower and Tank is sitting on the shower stall floor watching the water go down the drain, or i would cover the drain with a wash rag so it would fill up causing 3 inches of water for him to play in - he absolutely LOVED water. (I wore a swimsuit so I could show people I wasn't making it up) All that only tells you a tiny amount of how intelligent, how loving and amazing Tank was and how much we loved him.
Our last duty station in the military was Hickam AFB, Hawaii. After we left there we moved to, and still do live in Vermont. While in Hawaii we lived in military housing and had to "clear out" the last week we were on the island - that means they came in and packed all our stuff, emptied the house and then we had to clean it for the next family. In order to do so we had to put our animals into a kennel facility for a week. At the time we had 2 dogs, Angel (another totally amazing wonderful dog!!) and Tank, and a cat (he was evil lol).
The Sunday my husband took them to the kennels I had told the dogs to get in the van. Tank hauled ass from the front door of the house to around the back of the van. Even though he was fully capable of it normally, every time in fact, he wouldn't jump up into the van, nope! Instead he would wait patiently and then give me the saddest "help me mommy" look he could muster. I would always grunt, groan and playfully complain as I lifted his huge ass into the back of the van. This time was different though. For some reason he didn't wait for me, he just jumped up into the van, then sat there close to the edge waiting for me. I remember laughing at him and saying something about him "playing me all these years".
I was petting them and told them something about them going on a little vacation to an animal hotel so we could take care of things in the house. (I know, I am weird, I talk to my animals like they totally understand me lol) All of a sudden Tank jumped back out of the van (totally blew my mind) and ran around the yard acting like a fool lol. He wasn't being bad or anything, just playing. He even did something that he only ever used to do when we got home and he greeted us at the door. We called it his "bucking bronco welcome" basically he would jump around, kicking his butt up in the air looking exactly like a bucking horse at a rodeo. I loved it when he did that, it was the most obvious sign of happiness he showed.
After a couple minutes of him being silly I told him to knock it off and get in the van, Daddy (my husband) had to get them to the kennels. I chased his ass around the yard and he finally ran to the van and waited for me to lift him up. I gave the other 2 animals a hug and then for some reason - to this day I don't know why - I gave him a longer one and told him "Tank, your my best buddy, I love you".
That was the last time I saw him alive.
The next morning, less than 18 hours later, the kennels called and told my husband that when they were doing their rounds that morning at 6 they found Angel laying beside Tank, curled up with him and that Tank had passed away. Due to liability reasons and because he died at their kennels they offered to pay for an autopsy if we wanted on done in order to find the kennel staff were not to blame for him dying or find them at fault.
Tanks vet cried when we brought him in for the autopsy. He kept saying "I just don't understand why this happened, I gave him a VERY thorough check up on Friday (2 days earlier) and he was in perfect health, it doesn't make any sense at all for a perfectly healthy strong dog to just die." The ONLY thing that the vet found during the autopsy was that Tanks heart looked differently then it should. The vet explained that it looked something like a "fishing pot" - which is how he diagnose what happened. Tank's autopsy documents list "takotsubo cardiomyopathy" (broken heart syndrome) as his cause of death. I cried for days after that. I loved him so very much but I don't think I ever really realized how much he meant to me or how much he helped me in countless ways until he was gone. Even to a person without medical issues some animals have a very profound affect on them and their life, they work their way into our hearts so deeply and stay there.
George, the reason I am taking 2 hours to write all of that about Tank is because I wanted to tell you that in some ways I can relate to how you felt and probably still feel about what happened/the reason Benji died. Please don't take that the wrong way, I am in no way saying I know how it felt when they took him away from you, that alone is an entirely different pain that is excruciating I am sure. However I do know how it feels when my best furry friend dies in a way that was so very preventable due to me not having any knowledge that it was going to happen I was totally helpless and wasn't able to stop him from dying so needlessly. I have medical training. I know how to do CPR and other emergency life saving procedures. I have been trained to help humans, but I am sure I could have used that training to do something to help him, anything would have been better than the nothing. Knowing that I could have only adds to the guilt about me not being their during his last moments of life. The guilt alone makes me feel sick to my stomach, (I thank God that the people at the kennel had decided to keep Tank and Angel in the same kennel. She was an amazing "motherly" dog, so I am sure she comforted him the best she could, but it isn't the same as me being there.)
I was depressed before it happened, which only compounded those painful, horrible feelings of the pain of losing him and guilt of not being with him. My mind and heart lived in a very dark place for a long time for two reasons 1) The fact that the only thing that killed Tank was because to him he was in a strange, scary place away from his humans that loved him and who would have made him feel better. and 2) Quite possibly he would still be alive today (he would only be 9) if we had taken his original owners offer of keeping him at their place for the week we before we left so that we didn't have to pay kennel fees but we didn't want to inconvenience them with three animals so we chose the kennels.
It hurt, it still does when I think about what happened and why, in a way that no one should ever experience, it is beyond devastating and like I just said, I was depressed and in a bad place before he died, him dying kept me in a very dark place for a long time - I was lost without my little buddy to help me do things, cheer me up and to help me go places I need to go. My life was literally on hold for a long time.
My story does get better though, as will yours, that I promise. You took a severe beat down from life in so many heart breaking ways but you know what? Whether you are able to think about this and realize it - you were able to scratch your way through, sometimes I am sure you were barely clinging on, but you did it. You had the strength to do the most important thing you could ever have done, even though you felt like you were barely existing at times - you continued to live. You survived. You are here today to read this where a weaker person might not be, so for that you should be very proud of yourself. You went through not 1, not 2 but SIX negative life changing losses. Every single one of those losses forced your to mourn them all within a relatively such a short period of time. You are far stronger than I think you realize, and if you do beat yourself up over any of it, please stop, you don't deserve to feel worse than what life already has.
Like I just mentioned my life has drastically improved over the past 5 years. Stupid shit still keeps happening, life beats me down on occasion, but I survive, brush myself off and stand up as best that I can. We had Tank cremated and brought him to Vermont with us in his special little wooden doghouse urn that his vet bought for him. I haven't done anything with his ashes yet, we still might move again - we are thinking of Hawaii - so I want to wait until we are in our last home. It took me almost 2 years to find another English Bulldog - there are very few breeders in New England, and it is a difficult breed so you have to be very careful to make sure the breeder is reputable, and knows exactly what they are doing. Her name is "Serenity", she is my baby lol. She is a total diva, a sweetheart to the core, she is absolutely spoiled rotten. She is the first dog I ever let sleep on our bed - I can't fall asleep until after she does and starts snoring, it's my lullaby =) She is a little nervous around lots of people though, so she is my "sleeping on the bed at night and on the couch during the day" buddy. Then there is Daisy, our other English Bulldog. (technically she is my husband's dog, but we know who she really loves LOL) Daisy is my "I need to go to the store/appointment/visit with someone so let's go Daisy" buddy =). She is in the process of being certified as a service dog for me, and is amazing at being able to help me get to where I need to go. The only problem she is having with her training is that she is SOOOOO adorable, and so loving that it takes me twice as long to get anything done because we are stopped every 2 minutes by someone wanting to pet/talk to her. That's OK though, she deserves all the attention she gets. Both of them are amazing, lovable, goofy and loyal dogs and although they will never replace Tank, the do a very good job filling in for him.
I just want you to know that somewhere out there in Vermont there is someone who has kinda been there, and she want's you to know that you are not along and with time it will get better. I don't know if you are spiritual at all, (I am in my own way) but I like to imagine that somewhere up in heaven Benji and Tank have met and become friends (Tanks LOVES cats!!!) They both have helped two people get through some pretty hard times so I know God has a special place for them - a dinning room table filled with stuff for Benji to knock off and a scooter for Tank to pull =)
I really hope reading all this hasn't put you to sleep!! Take care of yourself,
Sincerely,
Sharon
At first I wanted to go off on a tangent about how what happened to you and Benji was unfair, mean and cruel, but I know you know that , and to be honest it would be pointless because that won't change anything. I am just so very sorry, my heart really does hurt for you. I have a huge place in my heart for animals - most of them are far better than most of the people on this planet. I know it isn't really necessary to tell you all this, but I just wanted you to get an idea of who I am so here is a little background on me - I am a retired SSgt from the USAF, mom of 4 "2 legged babies", a wife and the mom of 4 dogs, 6 cats, 2 horses and a variety of "vermin"
and a couple snakes. Like I said - huge soft spot in my heart for animals.My niece posted the video of Benji on the dinner table on FB and from there on out I was in love =) I went onto Youtube and am in the process of watching some more of your videos. I wanted to know the story of how you came to bring Benji into your life so I used Google. That is when I came across this forum. After roughly 10 failed attempts to join the forum here I am.(i kept making stupid little typos)
Again, don't know if I have the words to say to comfort you, or if I have the ones that will convey how I feel, but I will still try.
First of all I am so so very sorry all this very painful stupidity (that is the only word I can think of to describe the people who took Benji from you, I'm not calling everything else "stupid") happened to you and Benji that ultimately led to his death. It was ridicules and unnecessary, beyond unnecessary. I simply do not understand why the people that created the new laws did not put some kind of "grandfather" clause within the law whereas if they did inspections on a regular basis, ensured that you were one of the people who knew what he was doing, then you could keep him. It only makes sense. They could have easily weeded out the stupid "oh everyone will think I am sooo cool if I get a ______!!" ***sigh*** I am sure that I am not saying anything you haven't already thought yourself. I'm just rambling, I do that when I am upset about something.
I'm gonna stop going there now ( the "why didn't theys" or the "they could ofs" )
I would NEVER say that I know exactly how you feel, that would be insensitive, disrespectful, and basically lying to you - I don't know exactly how you feel, we are all different and process sadness and loss differently. I do want to tell you about something that happened to me. It's apples and oranges compared to your situation, but it does still apply to the loss of a beloved pet and feeling the guilt from "if only".
I too am about to write a very long message, before I do I wanted to tell you how I feel about "long messages". You apologized a couple times for yours being so long, well hun here is how I feel about that. You are hurting and needed something to help you try to get rid of some, any of the pain. Writing is cathartic - it helps us relive something in a way that is not as painful as talking about it. When you write something down in a way you are taking it out of your brain and putting it somewhere else - maybe not all of it, but a tiny little bit and when you are hurting, getting rid of any of the paid, even the tiniest bit, helps. It gives us an opportunity to correct the things we say, or how we say them - if you are talking to someone you cannot do that so if you accidentally describe something, use the wrong word, that person may get a totally different, sometimes completely incorrect, understanding of how you feel about what is happening. As for people who might get "irritated" because your message is long and they don't want to read it because it takes too long? Well to those people I say "wah - freaking - wah". They need to seriously get the hell over themselves, they are not the only person on the planet so they shouldn't act like they are.
Writing tells your "story" and it doesn't matter one little bit if it is a 2 sentence story or a 100 page one, it is YOUR story and you have the right to tell it in a way that is as long as you need it to be. If people see it and think "wow that's too long to read" well in my opinion two things are happening when they do that 1) It is disrespectful to you - you took the time to pour your heart out, express how you feel and then someone basically says "my time is more valuable than your pain". That is wrong on so many levels. If you were telling the story by talking face to face with someone would they walk off half way through? No, so they should have the same respect for the written version. 2) Just because you wanted to take the time to write it all out, in no way are you forcing anyone to read anything - it is their choice. If they choose to care enough about you to read it, that is awesome, they are a true friend. If they choose to be disrespectful and not read it, well they can just move on. No one needs anyone like that in their life.
I want to tell you about something that happened to me and my "best friend" Tank, the most AMAZING English Bulldog in the world. He was like no other dog I have ever known or probably ever will know. I love ALL my animals, but Tank will always hold a special place in my heart that is reserved just for him.
My husband (also retired military) were stationed in Hawaii for 3 years. We got Tank from some good friends of ours who had just had their second child. They loved Tank (everyone did!!) but Bulldogs can be "high maintenance", they require a lot of attention and sometimes special care. Babies are the same - even more work at times - our friends realized that even though they loved him very much they just didn't have the time they used to when the new baby came along. We had "puppy-sat" Tank during Christmas when they went home to Florida and due to us all falling in love with him, and he falling in love with us, our friends decided that we would be the perfect family for him if we wanted him. It took no thinking at all to decide yes to their request.
Tank loved everyone. Our youngest was 2 1/2 at the time and had one of those little 3 wheeled scooters that you push with your foot to make it move. One day she brought it with her when she came with me and Tank on a walk. She wanted Tank to pull her on the scooter "like a horse" (and he was the size of a horse - 78 pounds, perfectly healthy, at least 90% of those 78 pounds was muscle. When I got worried about how much he weighed during a visit to the vet (Tank's vet was at one time the vet responsible for taking care of the The University of Georgia's English Bulldog, their mascot "Uga") The vet told me straight up - he is all muscle and is absolutely NOT overweight or any type of "fat") Anyways, so I tied Tanks leash to the handle of my daughter's scooter and off they went. He was SOOOOO gentle with her - always. That is how Tank became the neighborhood kids favorite dog. We would go on walks, my daughter would bring her scooter and the kids would line up waiting for Tank to take them on a ride. He loved it as much as they did, it was obvious by the way he would lose his mind with excitement when my daughter got her scooter out of the garage and Tank would patiently wait for me to tie the leash to the handle bar and then for each child to get on the scooter. As unbelievable as it is he would even turn around and look to make sure they were standing on it before he started off.
Tank also LOVED being in our van - it didn't matter if it was moving or simply parked in the driveway he still loved it. He was the most stubborn and definitely the most intelligent dog I have ever known. When we wanted to do something, nothing, come hell or high water was going to change his mind until HE was ready to change it lol. When we would get home from somewhere and Tank refused to get out of the van I had to get a broom and gently shoo him out - which then proceeded to turn into a battle between "The Mighty English Bulldog, AKA TANK and the evil broom monster". He would follow me and wait until I set the broom down, then when I walked away from the broom it was game on!!!! With the broom handle in his mouth - roughly 3 feet of it sticking out on either side - he would do whatever he could to try to get it through the gate (that alone was worth watching). Once it was in the back yard he would spend at least 1/2 an hour walking around, then stopping so he could shake the living daylights out of the broom. It was very comical and I would laugh every time I saw him do it. He only destroyed maybe 5 or 6 brooms, but usually he just left rows of snaggly teeth marks on the handles.
He was my best buddy. When I had to retire from the military early in my career (I was in for 12 years) due to complications from cancer many years previously, I became very depressed. (I have been cancer free for 13 years now!) I LOVED being in the military, it was totally amazing and life changing in good ways far more often then the bad. Due to one of those "life changing in a bad way" situations I encountered during my time in the military, I suffer from severe PTSD, which usually goes hand in hand with another condition call "agoraphobia" (Agoraphobia has a lot of symptoms to it, but the main ones are fear of leaving your home plus fear of large crowds)
Tank picked up on my conditions immediately and would do all kinds of things to help me in his way - make me take him for a walk when all I wanted to do was lay on the couch, jump up next to me on the couch and put his very large head and half his body in my lap every time I would cry, when I didn't eat because I didn't feel like it he would even start going back and forth to the kitchen begging for me to feed him, which by getting me in the kitchen I would then realize I needed to eat too so I would fix us both something. Those are just a few of the many ways he helped me get through things, honestly he seriously helped me "live my life". (My family was also very very supportive with everything, but the times when the kids were all in school and my husband was at work was when Tank would step in and take over.
Then when my mother died Tank and I went even further to help me. He knew I was hurting really bad and his was of making sure I was "OK" was to follow me around everywhere I went to keep tabs on me. I couldn't go to the bathroom without letting him in as well - if I didn't he would stand outside the door and head but it. Even when I took a shower - seriously, I have pictures of me taking a shower and Tank is sitting on the shower stall floor watching the water go down the drain, or i would cover the drain with a wash rag so it would fill up causing 3 inches of water for him to play in - he absolutely LOVED water. (I wore a swimsuit so I could show people I wasn't making it up) All that only tells you a tiny amount of how intelligent, how loving and amazing Tank was and how much we loved him.
Our last duty station in the military was Hickam AFB, Hawaii. After we left there we moved to, and still do live in Vermont. While in Hawaii we lived in military housing and had to "clear out" the last week we were on the island - that means they came in and packed all our stuff, emptied the house and then we had to clean it for the next family. In order to do so we had to put our animals into a kennel facility for a week. At the time we had 2 dogs, Angel (another totally amazing wonderful dog!!) and Tank, and a cat (he was evil lol).
The Sunday my husband took them to the kennels I had told the dogs to get in the van. Tank hauled ass from the front door of the house to around the back of the van. Even though he was fully capable of it normally, every time in fact, he wouldn't jump up into the van, nope! Instead he would wait patiently and then give me the saddest "help me mommy" look he could muster. I would always grunt, groan and playfully complain as I lifted his huge ass into the back of the van. This time was different though. For some reason he didn't wait for me, he just jumped up into the van, then sat there close to the edge waiting for me. I remember laughing at him and saying something about him "playing me all these years".
I was petting them and told them something about them going on a little vacation to an animal hotel so we could take care of things in the house. (I know, I am weird, I talk to my animals like they totally understand me lol) All of a sudden Tank jumped back out of the van (totally blew my mind) and ran around the yard acting like a fool lol. He wasn't being bad or anything, just playing. He even did something that he only ever used to do when we got home and he greeted us at the door. We called it his "bucking bronco welcome" basically he would jump around, kicking his butt up in the air looking exactly like a bucking horse at a rodeo. I loved it when he did that, it was the most obvious sign of happiness he showed.
After a couple minutes of him being silly I told him to knock it off and get in the van, Daddy (my husband) had to get them to the kennels. I chased his ass around the yard and he finally ran to the van and waited for me to lift him up. I gave the other 2 animals a hug and then for some reason - to this day I don't know why - I gave him a longer one and told him "Tank, your my best buddy, I love you".
That was the last time I saw him alive.
The next morning, less than 18 hours later, the kennels called and told my husband that when they were doing their rounds that morning at 6 they found Angel laying beside Tank, curled up with him and that Tank had passed away. Due to liability reasons and because he died at their kennels they offered to pay for an autopsy if we wanted on done in order to find the kennel staff were not to blame for him dying or find them at fault.
Tanks vet cried when we brought him in for the autopsy. He kept saying "I just don't understand why this happened, I gave him a VERY thorough check up on Friday (2 days earlier) and he was in perfect health, it doesn't make any sense at all for a perfectly healthy strong dog to just die." The ONLY thing that the vet found during the autopsy was that Tanks heart looked differently then it should. The vet explained that it looked something like a "fishing pot" - which is how he diagnose what happened. Tank's autopsy documents list "takotsubo cardiomyopathy" (broken heart syndrome) as his cause of death. I cried for days after that. I loved him so very much but I don't think I ever really realized how much he meant to me or how much he helped me in countless ways until he was gone. Even to a person without medical issues some animals have a very profound affect on them and their life, they work their way into our hearts so deeply and stay there.
George, the reason I am taking 2 hours to write all of that about Tank is because I wanted to tell you that in some ways I can relate to how you felt and probably still feel about what happened/the reason Benji died. Please don't take that the wrong way, I am in no way saying I know how it felt when they took him away from you, that alone is an entirely different pain that is excruciating I am sure. However I do know how it feels when my best furry friend dies in a way that was so very preventable due to me not having any knowledge that it was going to happen I was totally helpless and wasn't able to stop him from dying so needlessly. I have medical training. I know how to do CPR and other emergency life saving procedures. I have been trained to help humans, but I am sure I could have used that training to do something to help him, anything would have been better than the nothing. Knowing that I could have only adds to the guilt about me not being their during his last moments of life. The guilt alone makes me feel sick to my stomach, (I thank God that the people at the kennel had decided to keep Tank and Angel in the same kennel. She was an amazing "motherly" dog, so I am sure she comforted him the best she could, but it isn't the same as me being there.)
I was depressed before it happened, which only compounded those painful, horrible feelings of the pain of losing him and guilt of not being with him. My mind and heart lived in a very dark place for a long time for two reasons 1) The fact that the only thing that killed Tank was because to him he was in a strange, scary place away from his humans that loved him and who would have made him feel better. and 2) Quite possibly he would still be alive today (he would only be 9) if we had taken his original owners offer of keeping him at their place for the week we before we left so that we didn't have to pay kennel fees but we didn't want to inconvenience them with three animals so we chose the kennels.
It hurt, it still does when I think about what happened and why, in a way that no one should ever experience, it is beyond devastating and like I just said, I was depressed and in a bad place before he died, him dying kept me in a very dark place for a long time - I was lost without my little buddy to help me do things, cheer me up and to help me go places I need to go. My life was literally on hold for a long time.
My story does get better though, as will yours, that I promise. You took a severe beat down from life in so many heart breaking ways but you know what? Whether you are able to think about this and realize it - you were able to scratch your way through, sometimes I am sure you were barely clinging on, but you did it. You had the strength to do the most important thing you could ever have done, even though you felt like you were barely existing at times - you continued to live. You survived. You are here today to read this where a weaker person might not be, so for that you should be very proud of yourself. You went through not 1, not 2 but SIX negative life changing losses. Every single one of those losses forced your to mourn them all within a relatively such a short period of time. You are far stronger than I think you realize, and if you do beat yourself up over any of it, please stop, you don't deserve to feel worse than what life already has.
Like I just mentioned my life has drastically improved over the past 5 years. Stupid shit still keeps happening, life beats me down on occasion, but I survive, brush myself off and stand up as best that I can. We had Tank cremated and brought him to Vermont with us in his special little wooden doghouse urn that his vet bought for him. I haven't done anything with his ashes yet, we still might move again - we are thinking of Hawaii - so I want to wait until we are in our last home. It took me almost 2 years to find another English Bulldog - there are very few breeders in New England, and it is a difficult breed so you have to be very careful to make sure the breeder is reputable, and knows exactly what they are doing. Her name is "Serenity", she is my baby lol. She is a total diva, a sweetheart to the core, she is absolutely spoiled rotten. She is the first dog I ever let sleep on our bed - I can't fall asleep until after she does and starts snoring, it's my lullaby =) She is a little nervous around lots of people though, so she is my "sleeping on the bed at night and on the couch during the day" buddy. Then there is Daisy, our other English Bulldog. (technically she is my husband's dog, but we know who she really loves LOL) Daisy is my "I need to go to the store/appointment/visit with someone so let's go Daisy" buddy =). She is in the process of being certified as a service dog for me, and is amazing at being able to help me get to where I need to go. The only problem she is having with her training is that she is SOOOOO adorable, and so loving that it takes me twice as long to get anything done because we are stopped every 2 minutes by someone wanting to pet/talk to her. That's OK though, she deserves all the attention she gets. Both of them are amazing, lovable, goofy and loyal dogs and although they will never replace Tank, the do a very good job filling in for him.
I just want you to know that somewhere out there in Vermont there is someone who has kinda been there, and she want's you to know that you are not along and with time it will get better. I don't know if you are spiritual at all, (I am in my own way) but I like to imagine that somewhere up in heaven Benji and Tank have met and become friends (Tanks LOVES cats!!!) They both have helped two people get through some pretty hard times so I know God has a special place for them - a dinning room table filled with stuff for Benji to knock off and a scooter for Tank to pull =)
I really hope reading all this hasn't put you to sleep!! Take care of yourself,
Sincerely,
Sharon
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Hi Sharon, thanks so much for taking the time to write, I'm sure George will appreciate it. I'll make sure he gets to read it ASAP.
I'm sorry to read about Tank, dogs are our life and they kinda take over yet we forget sometimes just how much we mean to them.
A wise man once said "A dog may only be here for a part of your life but do not ever forget that you are his whole life". The most important thing is you gave Tank a great life while he was with you, maybe it was just his time. Meah, I tell myself that every time and it doesn't work on me either.
Just remember,
PS: Thank you for your service.
I'm sorry to read about Tank, dogs are our life and they kinda take over yet we forget sometimes just how much we mean to them.
A wise man once said "A dog may only be here for a part of your life but do not ever forget that you are his whole life". The most important thing is you gave Tank a great life while he was with you, maybe it was just his time. Meah, I tell myself that every time and it doesn't work on me either.
Just remember,
PS: Thank you for your service.
Hi Sharon, Thank you so much for what you wrote. Thank you Boss for sending me this thread too. I haven't been on in a long time. The depression has gotten worse and worse. But lately has been a little better. I miss being on here with my friends. But I just don't want to get on here and complain all the time about me. I appreciate how much time and thought you put into writing that for me. It means so much. I want to thank you for your service too. and your husband too. Tank sounds like he was one awesome dog. Just like Benji was.
You are right, why couldn't they have grandfathered us in. The people that already had owned these animals for years. I had owned and rescued bobcats for the past 12 years or so and had a permit all those years. Actually when the state started the whole process they contacted all the owners and told us that we would be grandfathered in and not to worry. So I didn't worry. Unfortunately that was a lie. There was no grandfathering whatsoever. Whatever it was that they call grandfathered is not even close to being that. They would allow us to keep them if we met all these new criteria that were next to impossible to meet. There's a list a mile long of new regulations, so it was impossible for me to keep him.
They did not take him from me. I took him to that sanctuary on my own. and I did that because I did not want to wait for my inspection date and they would have come and denied my permit and immediately confiscated him. and I would have had no say in where he went, they would not have told me where they placed him and I would not have been able to see him again. So I decided to place him at the best place possible that I could.
The vet that did the autopsy said the same exact thing, that he died of a broken heart. He did not acclimate to that place at all. Those people were wonderful with him too. They spent a lot of time talking to him and trying to make him happy, but he just wouldn't have it. They couldn't go in with him because he would have attacked them. When I would go visit I would go in with him. They weren't allowed to let anyone in with any of the animals because of state law but they knew I was not going to sue them and we thought that by me going in periodically and spending time with him he would be ok. but that wasn't the case.
It's a very sad situation. and a few irresponsible owners ruined it for all the responsible owners. Ohio went from being the least restrictive exotic animal state to the most restrictive, that being a complete ban on ownership. And not allowing people like me that have many years experience to even rescue sick or injured bobcats ever again. That's sad in a lot of ways but mainly because those sick and injured bobcats instead of being rescued and rehabilatated will now just be put down, because all of the sanctuaries and zoos are over full and not accepting any more animals. It's very sad.
I went through a really tough time losing my job and my girlfriend and then Benji. Everything just seemed to compound and add up and up and kept bringing me down more and more until I basically just shut down. I have sat in front of this computer most days just staring at videos. This summer after he passed I had about four weeks where I felt ok and I started filming my youtube videos again, but I set the camera down and stopped. I'm going to get back to it hopefully this week. I've been working on material for my videos, trying to motivate myself.
I want to thank you again. and I want to tell everyone here I miss you guys and I will be back. I just don't want to bring my problems to the site.
Also, I have watt's watch, the pam that's travelling the world. I feel horrible I've had it so long. It was in my drawer for the longest time and I just didn't think about it. I have a cool video and a lot of pictures that I need to post about it. I just haven't done it. but I will. and I'm sending it out. I'm sorry Watt. The next person will have it soon. anyway. I miss you guys, and I will be back soon. Love you all, George.
You are right, why couldn't they have grandfathered us in. The people that already had owned these animals for years. I had owned and rescued bobcats for the past 12 years or so and had a permit all those years. Actually when the state started the whole process they contacted all the owners and told us that we would be grandfathered in and not to worry. So I didn't worry. Unfortunately that was a lie. There was no grandfathering whatsoever. Whatever it was that they call grandfathered is not even close to being that. They would allow us to keep them if we met all these new criteria that were next to impossible to meet. There's a list a mile long of new regulations, so it was impossible for me to keep him.
They did not take him from me. I took him to that sanctuary on my own. and I did that because I did not want to wait for my inspection date and they would have come and denied my permit and immediately confiscated him. and I would have had no say in where he went, they would not have told me where they placed him and I would not have been able to see him again. So I decided to place him at the best place possible that I could.
The vet that did the autopsy said the same exact thing, that he died of a broken heart. He did not acclimate to that place at all. Those people were wonderful with him too. They spent a lot of time talking to him and trying to make him happy, but he just wouldn't have it. They couldn't go in with him because he would have attacked them. When I would go visit I would go in with him. They weren't allowed to let anyone in with any of the animals because of state law but they knew I was not going to sue them and we thought that by me going in periodically and spending time with him he would be ok. but that wasn't the case.
It's a very sad situation. and a few irresponsible owners ruined it for all the responsible owners. Ohio went from being the least restrictive exotic animal state to the most restrictive, that being a complete ban on ownership. And not allowing people like me that have many years experience to even rescue sick or injured bobcats ever again. That's sad in a lot of ways but mainly because those sick and injured bobcats instead of being rescued and rehabilatated will now just be put down, because all of the sanctuaries and zoos are over full and not accepting any more animals. It's very sad.
I went through a really tough time losing my job and my girlfriend and then Benji. Everything just seemed to compound and add up and up and kept bringing me down more and more until I basically just shut down. I have sat in front of this computer most days just staring at videos. This summer after he passed I had about four weeks where I felt ok and I started filming my youtube videos again, but I set the camera down and stopped. I'm going to get back to it hopefully this week. I've been working on material for my videos, trying to motivate myself.
I want to thank you again. and I want to tell everyone here I miss you guys and I will be back. I just don't want to bring my problems to the site.
Also, I have watt's watch, the pam that's travelling the world. I feel horrible I've had it so long. It was in my drawer for the longest time and I just didn't think about it. I have a cool video and a lot of pictures that I need to post about it. I just haven't done it. but I will. and I'm sending it out. I'm sorry Watt. The next person will have it soon. anyway. I miss you guys, and I will be back soon. Love you all, George.
Hey man you hang in there and just remember you have friends here, in spite of all you've been through I'm sure you will soon be on the rebound, stay strong. I have not seen Wat on here in a while but I'm sure the watch in is great hands as long as it's in yours...Best wishes to you.
THank you so much for making sure George got my message, I had gone over it again and changed it a little and was in that process when you commented than George commented lol. No biggie thought - the message was the same. I am trying to add some pictures and it won't let me, any suggestions? I'm going to go read Georges reply now.
You are very welcome, it was my honor to serve
You are very welcome, it was my honor to serve
Hi again George,
I was rewriting my original message during the time you read mine - no major changes, I just type so fast that I don't see the typos and then am too impatient and hit "send" before I check =P
I have some questions for you, that is if you don't mind me asking them. I joined this forum when I read your original post and really wanted to reply to you, so I don't know anything about the forum or how to do anything, if there is a way to send private messages and you are still on here please send me one and if it's ok I'll ask what I would like to know. (Nothing crazy or personal, just curious about a few things.)
I haven't even checked to see what the forum is about!!! LOL Dear God please tell me I haven't signed up on some kind of "anti-whatever" forum that requires me to stand out in the rain buck naked for hours picketing Target or Walmart!! (I am very open-minded and not against anything except hateful people)
I was rewriting my original message during the time you read mine - no major changes, I just type so fast that I don't see the typos and then am too impatient and hit "send" before I check =P
I have some questions for you, that is if you don't mind me asking them. I joined this forum when I read your original post and really wanted to reply to you, so I don't know anything about the forum or how to do anything, if there is a way to send private messages and you are still on here please send me one and if it's ok I'll ask what I would like to know. (Nothing crazy or personal, just curious about a few things.)
I haven't even checked to see what the forum is about!!! LOL Dear God please tell me I haven't signed up on some kind of "anti-whatever" forum that requires me to stand out in the rain buck naked for hours picketing Target or Walmart!!
(I am very open-minded and not against anything except hateful people)
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Hi again Sharon, to add pics you need to use a hosting site such as Photobucket as to reduce server load we don't host pics directly on our server. You can find a tutorial here: https://forum.replica-watch.info/vb/showthread.php/44405-Tutorial-How-to-attach-pictures-to-posts Photobucket have changed the layout a bit since then but it's pretty much the same.
I lost my little mate this year, still missing him madly: https://forum.replica-watch.info/vb/showthread.php/232318-Dusty-Dog-RIP-my-friend
[MENTION=3613]cybee[/MENTION] wat is alive and kicking, I spoke to him on the phone a couple of days ago. He's been rather busy with real life of late as he hasn't had the best of years himself. I'll let him know Arkie has shown up. For those not aware of Arkie the threads are here: https://forum.replica-watch.info/vb/showthread.php/90684-Wat-In-The-World and here: https://forum.replica-watch.info/vb...rld-Preparing-quot-Arkie-quot-for-the-Journey
George: Mate please come home and bug us with your problems all you like if it helps. We don't mind in the least, remember we all cried with you mate. We are your friends, we feel for you and if we can help by being here then that's a good thing. Don't shut yourself off from the world in an attempt to spare us your pain, you will never deal with it on your own as that just doesn't work brother.
I lost my little mate this year, still missing him madly: https://forum.replica-watch.info/vb/showthread.php/232318-Dusty-Dog-RIP-my-friend
[MENTION=3613]cybee[/MENTION] wat is alive and kicking, I spoke to him on the phone a couple of days ago. He's been rather busy with real life of late as he hasn't had the best of years himself. I'll let him know Arkie has shown up. For those not aware of Arkie the threads are here: https://forum.replica-watch.info/vb/showthread.php/90684-Wat-In-The-World and here: https://forum.replica-watch.info/vb...rld-Preparing-quot-Arkie-quot-for-the-Journey
George: Mate please come home and bug us with your problems all you like if it helps. We don't mind in the least, remember we all cried with you mate. We are your friends, we feel for you and if we can help by being here then that's a good thing. Don't shut yourself off from the world in an attempt to spare us your pain, you will never deal with it on your own as that just doesn't work brother.
You will fit in very nicely here..Welcome :laugh:
Good to hear this [MENTION=11620]trailboss99[/MENTION]..Lately I've been wondering if he was alright. Haven't heard anything after his trip to the U.S. but hope he gets back real soon.
My thoughts go to you.. I lost my dog last week (ran over by speeding car), and know how it feels like to lose someone that's so close to you.. Pets aren't "only" pets; after a while, they become your friend and a part of the family. When you lose it, there's just something missing. Although I know no new pet can replace your Benji, things will get better with time.
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Sorry to hear that mate. Time will not erase the pain but it will help.
When the time comes please consider a shelter dog.
I'm really sorry to hear about your dog. It is heartbreaking and I agree, they become part of your family. I thought about this because it did affect me so much with everything that happened. I've never been a part of a protest or national laws that have been trying to get passsed, but this affected me personally because i was an owner and it was my animal being threatened to be taken away. so I took an active part in fighting to keep him and appeal to the courts to make appropriate laws. Instead of making a rational decision to make appropriate laws they just made a complete ban and did not grandfather the people in that owned these animals. I don't have kids, so I guess my animals are my kids. and Benji I guess was even moreso because of how I came about to get him as a kitten and rehabilitate him and see him recover and live a happy healthy life. Some people probably think it's silly that someone could have depression to the degree that I have had it, but it happened. but am doing so much better now. and all that was compounded and added to from several things too, a huge break up, and the loss of my career. I think it just all added up and I just crawled into the corner. I know it's not a good way to handle things but I didn't know what to do. I'm glad to be back here though. Eggroll is back. haha. I appreciate each and every comment here and all of the messages too. I have not read them all yet but I am going to get to it. I promise.
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Yes, TB and Sub. They are the best! Here I'll introduce Chewie........ the reindeer dog!
