One time I was pretty drunk with a friend at a Target buying Risk. This little douche canoe 5-7 year old with a mohawk was being an insufferable little shit in the action figure section. I heard him from, like, 5 aisles over and it was like nails on a chalkboard. I told my friend, "I'm gonna fart on this kids head. Watch and learn."
I saunter on over to the aisle in question and see the vile little prick calling his mom an "idiot" for not buying him a huge fu¢king "G.I. JOE The Movie" vehicle (which pissed me off even more, considering how awful that movie was. BUY SOME GOOD TOYS, PEOPLE!!!)
"I already bought that one for you and you broke it by throwing it down the stairs." "SHUT UP. I NEED IT. IT'S THE ONLY ONE I DON'T HAVE NOW." The mother was younger than me (I was in my mid-twenties at the time), and gave a defeated look, "I don't have enough money right now." "YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!" and continued to just berate and publicly shame this woman, his mother(!!!).
At the time, I was on a strict Chipotle carnitas burrito/Starbucks coffee diet. And while I was watching all this, my stomach gave me an initial warning gurgle (I have a very courteous stomach), telling me I would soon be punishing the toilet. Serendipity! Destiny!
I inch a bit closer to my prey, inspecting some wrestling toys and pondering the weird homoeroticness of the whole 'sport' in general. The kid shouts "FU¢K YOU, I HATE YOU!" The mom rolls her eyes and turns her back to the kid to ignore him. And could you believe it, the kid gets on his hands and knees and starts taking the toy out of the box. It's go time, you little motherfu¢ker.
I position my back towards him and at this point I'm like 2 feet away from him. His head is down, getting frustrated with those god damn twisty-tie things, and I go for the kill. I bend down to reach for the one of the toys on the lower shelf. At this point, my ass is INCHES away from this kid's head.
Now...generally speaking, the best way to go about this is to act casual, drop your belly bomb, then walk away after a few seconds like nothing is out of the ordinary. I usually go one aisle over and listen to the kid's reaction in delight. However, today I couldn't help myself. I have my head tilted back looking at this kid out of the corner of my eye, to ensure accuracy.
I'm so close that from a distance it looks like I'm about to sit on him. My friend sees this happening and can no longer contain himself. He's covering his mouth, but his 'hee-haw' hyperventilating donkey chortle is fairly audible over the late 90's pop muzak playing on the store loudspeakers.
The kid immediately looks up towards the laughter, but can't help but notice there is an ass now directly in his face. At this point, I'm trying not to laugh, but I'm also panicking as I just made eye contact with him. He furls his brow and I look over in the mother's direction, her back still towards us. I relish in the moment and the look on this child's confused and naive face.
My initial blast was mighty and boisterous. I swear I saw his hair blowing in the wind (so to speak). If I wasn't wearing cargo pants, I think it would have probably blown over an empty soda can. I would call it "a very fun fart" (A++ would buy again). However, what immediately followed that initial herald trumpeting out the gas chamber was...truly horrifying. The fart's implication changed without notice and swiftly. It went from a joyous, dry airhorn squeal to a nefarious, hissing mephitis. I think the little assclown noticed the hateful metamorphosis even before I did, because he wrenched his neck violently trying to get away from the personified evil being fumigated into his very soul. Because of his positioning (hovering over the toy on hands and knees), it was all in vain, as the only way out was forward...and forward meant certain death. I had positioned myself well upon the higher ground, free to escape or relent at any time; and him, poor and immobilized: Biding his time until the cruel attack was over. Obviously, this child needed to re-read Sun Tzu.
In total, it lasted maybe about 4 seconds, but for that kid, it must have seemed like time was frozen. The long-term severe brain damage which he no doubt suffered only added to that effect.
When I finished with my bidness (i.e. forcing a little boy to huff my intestinal gas), there was a silent, pregnant pause. The kid was clearly shocked...stunned. No one had ever stood up to this dwarf sociopath in his whole life. I had taken the words out of his mouth and filled it with fart.
I make my move first, picking up the toy I was "reaching for" off the low shelf, take a few steps forward and stare at it for a few seconds. On '2 Mississippi,' the only thing the kid could manage to do was burst into tears. My friend senses danger 'The jig is up!' and darts for cover. The mom turns around to see her kid with an open toy, crying on the floor and me minding my own business.
She walks up to him and asks what's wrong but the kid can't speak. All he gets out is, "BAWAWAAAWAFARTBAWAWA." It took every fiber in my body not to laugh. I put the toy back on a middle shelf, turn around, give a final nonchalant looksy and then begin to take my exit.
Sensing that his assailant was getting away scot-free, he somehow managed to compose himself for a moment. He shouts, "HE FARTED ON ME!" I could feel him pointing at me but I continued to act like I was just browsing. I was ALMOST around the corner when the mom goes:
"Excuse me....sir....SIR!"
I turn around nonplussed, "Uh...who? Me?" while pointing to myself.
"Yes. Did YOU just FART on my son?"
Weighing my options, I played dumb. "What? I mean, I did fart."
"On my son?"
"Well, I mean, technically speaking...I mean...what is 'on'?"
"Why did you fart on my son?"
At this point the little kid has the look of schadenfreude on his face, happy to see me in trouble. Fu¢k you, you little shit, I'M A MAN! I WILL FART ON YOU IF I PLEASE! I turn my attention to the little kid and stare at him, "Because the whole store could hear him being a rotten little asshole to his mother, so I thought I'd come over here and treat him like one."
The mom looks at me, her son and the scattered GI JOE/wrappers/box on the floor. The mom is puzzled as to what to do and says, "Just..just go."
That's my cue! I turn around, walk away with little extra bounce in my step. I look up to see the black orb of security cameras and all the stories on reddit about unjustly having to register as a sex offender flash before my eyes. Uh-oh. As soon as I turn the corner, I book it outside as fast as I can while dialing my friend. Like a true friend, he is right out front with the engine running and Risk in the trunk.
We laugh maniacally on the car ride back about the whole scene. With a slight hint of seriousness in his tone, my friend asks me:
"Do you do that a lot?"
"Ahhh, not that much. Like once every 6 months or so."
We both knew I was lying. We got to our other friends house, played risk until 4 in the morning while drinking beer. Overall, I would say it was a pretty good day.
I saunter on over to the aisle in question and see the vile little prick calling his mom an "idiot" for not buying him a huge fu¢king "G.I. JOE The Movie" vehicle (which pissed me off even more, considering how awful that movie was. BUY SOME GOOD TOYS, PEOPLE!!!)
"I already bought that one for you and you broke it by throwing it down the stairs." "SHUT UP. I NEED IT. IT'S THE ONLY ONE I DON'T HAVE NOW." The mother was younger than me (I was in my mid-twenties at the time), and gave a defeated look, "I don't have enough money right now." "YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!" and continued to just berate and publicly shame this woman, his mother(!!!).
At the time, I was on a strict Chipotle carnitas burrito/Starbucks coffee diet. And while I was watching all this, my stomach gave me an initial warning gurgle (I have a very courteous stomach), telling me I would soon be punishing the toilet. Serendipity! Destiny!
I inch a bit closer to my prey, inspecting some wrestling toys and pondering the weird homoeroticness of the whole 'sport' in general. The kid shouts "FU¢K YOU, I HATE YOU!" The mom rolls her eyes and turns her back to the kid to ignore him. And could you believe it, the kid gets on his hands and knees and starts taking the toy out of the box. It's go time, you little motherfu¢ker.
I position my back towards him and at this point I'm like 2 feet away from him. His head is down, getting frustrated with those god damn twisty-tie things, and I go for the kill. I bend down to reach for the one of the toys on the lower shelf. At this point, my ass is INCHES away from this kid's head.
Now...generally speaking, the best way to go about this is to act casual, drop your belly bomb, then walk away after a few seconds like nothing is out of the ordinary. I usually go one aisle over and listen to the kid's reaction in delight. However, today I couldn't help myself. I have my head tilted back looking at this kid out of the corner of my eye, to ensure accuracy.
I'm so close that from a distance it looks like I'm about to sit on him. My friend sees this happening and can no longer contain himself. He's covering his mouth, but his 'hee-haw' hyperventilating donkey chortle is fairly audible over the late 90's pop muzak playing on the store loudspeakers.
The kid immediately looks up towards the laughter, but can't help but notice there is an ass now directly in his face. At this point, I'm trying not to laugh, but I'm also panicking as I just made eye contact with him. He furls his brow and I look over in the mother's direction, her back still towards us. I relish in the moment and the look on this child's confused and naive face.
My initial blast was mighty and boisterous. I swear I saw his hair blowing in the wind (so to speak). If I wasn't wearing cargo pants, I think it would have probably blown over an empty soda can. I would call it "a very fun fart" (A++ would buy again). However, what immediately followed that initial herald trumpeting out the gas chamber was...truly horrifying. The fart's implication changed without notice and swiftly. It went from a joyous, dry airhorn squeal to a nefarious, hissing mephitis. I think the little assclown noticed the hateful metamorphosis even before I did, because he wrenched his neck violently trying to get away from the personified evil being fumigated into his very soul. Because of his positioning (hovering over the toy on hands and knees), it was all in vain, as the only way out was forward...and forward meant certain death. I had positioned myself well upon the higher ground, free to escape or relent at any time; and him, poor and immobilized: Biding his time until the cruel attack was over. Obviously, this child needed to re-read Sun Tzu.
In total, it lasted maybe about 4 seconds, but for that kid, it must have seemed like time was frozen. The long-term severe brain damage which he no doubt suffered only added to that effect.
When I finished with my bidness (i.e. forcing a little boy to huff my intestinal gas), there was a silent, pregnant pause. The kid was clearly shocked...stunned. No one had ever stood up to this dwarf sociopath in his whole life. I had taken the words out of his mouth and filled it with fart.
I make my move first, picking up the toy I was "reaching for" off the low shelf, take a few steps forward and stare at it for a few seconds. On '2 Mississippi,' the only thing the kid could manage to do was burst into tears. My friend senses danger 'The jig is up!' and darts for cover. The mom turns around to see her kid with an open toy, crying on the floor and me minding my own business.
She walks up to him and asks what's wrong but the kid can't speak. All he gets out is, "BAWAWAAAWAFARTBAWAWA." It took every fiber in my body not to laugh. I put the toy back on a middle shelf, turn around, give a final nonchalant looksy and then begin to take my exit.
Sensing that his assailant was getting away scot-free, he somehow managed to compose himself for a moment. He shouts, "HE FARTED ON ME!" I could feel him pointing at me but I continued to act like I was just browsing. I was ALMOST around the corner when the mom goes:
"Excuse me....sir....SIR!"
I turn around nonplussed, "Uh...who? Me?" while pointing to myself.
"Yes. Did YOU just FART on my son?"
Weighing my options, I played dumb. "What? I mean, I did fart."
"On my son?"
"Well, I mean, technically speaking...I mean...what is 'on'?"
"Why did you fart on my son?"
At this point the little kid has the look of schadenfreude on his face, happy to see me in trouble. Fu¢k you, you little shit, I'M A MAN! I WILL FART ON YOU IF I PLEASE! I turn my attention to the little kid and stare at him, "Because the whole store could hear him being a rotten little asshole to his mother, so I thought I'd come over here and treat him like one."
The mom looks at me, her son and the scattered GI JOE/wrappers/box on the floor. The mom is puzzled as to what to do and says, "Just..just go."
That's my cue! I turn around, walk away with little extra bounce in my step. I look up to see the black orb of security cameras and all the stories on reddit about unjustly having to register as a sex offender flash before my eyes. Uh-oh. As soon as I turn the corner, I book it outside as fast as I can while dialing my friend. Like a true friend, he is right out front with the engine running and Risk in the trunk.
We laugh maniacally on the car ride back about the whole scene. With a slight hint of seriousness in his tone, my friend asks me:
"Do you do that a lot?"
"Ahhh, not that much. Like once every 6 months or so."
We both knew I was lying. We got to our other friends house, played risk until 4 in the morning while drinking beer. Overall, I would say it was a pretty good day.