"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and just give her a house."
Steven Seagal
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of
the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
Jeff Foxworthy
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base."
Dave Barry
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before
they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
Bob Ettinger
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach
you how to swim."
Paula Poundstone
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness. I could be eating a slow learner."
Lynda Montgomery
"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out
with a riding vacuum cleaner."
Roseanne
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
Richard Jeni
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be
dead."
Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Paul Rodriguez
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and
that's the law."
Jerry Seinfeld
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in
asingle file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
Warren Hutcherson
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an
institution yet."
Mae West
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Kuwait."
A. Whitney Brown
"Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet,"
Robin Williams
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
Dave Barry
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away
from children"
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
Drew Carey
and just give her a house."
Steven Seagal
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of
the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
Jeff Foxworthy
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base."
Dave Barry
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before
they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
Bob Ettinger
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach
you how to swim."
Paula Poundstone
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness. I could be eating a slow learner."
Lynda Montgomery
"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out
with a riding vacuum cleaner."
Roseanne
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
Richard Jeni
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be
dead."
Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Paul Rodriguez
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and
that's the law."
Jerry Seinfeld
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in
asingle file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
Warren Hutcherson
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an
institution yet."
Mae West
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Kuwait."
A. Whitney Brown
"Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet,"
Robin Williams
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
Dave Barry
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away
from children"
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
Drew Carey