An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
An actuary is walking down the corridor when he feels a twinge in his chest. Immediately, he runs to the stairwell and hurls himself down. His friend, visiting him in the hospital, asks why he did that. The actuary replies, "The chances of having a heart attack and falling down the stairs are much lower than the chances of having a heart attack only.
Two actuaries are duck hunting. They see a duck in the air and they both shoot. The first actuary's shot is 20 feet wide to the left. The second actuary's shot is 20 feet wide to the right. The actuaries give each other high fives, because on average they shot it.
There are three kinds of actuaries. Those that can count. And those that can't.
Why did the actuary put in his will that he is to be buried in Israel? Answer: The chances of resurrection are better there.
An underwriter takes his two actuaries into a restaurant. The waiter asks the underwriter what he would like to eat, and the underwriter says, "I'll have the steak." Then the waiter asks the underwriter, "And for your vegetables?" The underwriter replies, "They'll have the steak too."
A psychologist was studying the problem-solving abilities of engineers and actuaries. During a joint interview with one engineer and one actuary, the engineer was asked "If there was a fire in the wastebasket and a bucket of water on my desk, what would you do?" The engineer responded that he would put out the fire with the bucket of water. Then the actuary was asked "If there was a fire in the wastebasket and a bucket of water on the window sill, what would you do?" The actuary's studied reply was "I would move the bucket to the desk, thus reducing the problem to the previously solved one."
Definition of a computer: An actuary with a heart.
Some insurance company officers are taking a walk in the woods. Following a path, they come upon a dead bird. The actuary bends down, examines the bird carefully, and says: "I think we may be able to determine how this bird died." The agent says: "It makes no difference how it died--it wasn't MY fault." The accountant says: "Not another dead bird! How are we going to bury THIS one?" The auditor carefully notes exactly what kind of dead bird it is, and looks around for more. The claims manager says, "Oh, this kind of dead bird is never going to happen again." And the product manager says: "This bird isn't dead! I swear, it's going to start flying around any minute now!"
An actuary owns hens that lay eggs, and he collects one egg from them every morning for breakfast. He also has an accountant neighbor who watches him collect the eggs each day. One day, one of the hens gets out of its cage and lays the egg in the acountant's back yard. The actuary sees this and challenges the accountant over ownership of the egg. An argument ensues, and the actuary offers to settle it in a contest: "We take turns in kicking each other where it hurts, and whoever takes the least time to get up wins the egg." The accountant agrees, and the actuary gets to kick first. He goes inside, puts on his steel capped boots, takes a run at the accountant and kicks for his life, right where it hurts the most.
The accountant collapses, and hobbles to his feet after about half an hour. "Now it's my turn," he says with some relish.
The actuary responds, "Nah, keep the egg."
An actuary is walking down the corridor when he feels a twinge in his chest. Immediately, he runs to the stairwell and hurls himself down. His friend, visiting him in the hospital, asks why he did that. The actuary replies, "The chances of having a heart attack and falling down the stairs are much lower than the chances of having a heart attack only.
Two actuaries are duck hunting. They see a duck in the air and they both shoot. The first actuary's shot is 20 feet wide to the left. The second actuary's shot is 20 feet wide to the right. The actuaries give each other high fives, because on average they shot it.
There are three kinds of actuaries. Those that can count. And those that can't.
Why did the actuary put in his will that he is to be buried in Israel? Answer: The chances of resurrection are better there.
An underwriter takes his two actuaries into a restaurant. The waiter asks the underwriter what he would like to eat, and the underwriter says, "I'll have the steak." Then the waiter asks the underwriter, "And for your vegetables?" The underwriter replies, "They'll have the steak too."
A psychologist was studying the problem-solving abilities of engineers and actuaries. During a joint interview with one engineer and one actuary, the engineer was asked "If there was a fire in the wastebasket and a bucket of water on my desk, what would you do?" The engineer responded that he would put out the fire with the bucket of water. Then the actuary was asked "If there was a fire in the wastebasket and a bucket of water on the window sill, what would you do?" The actuary's studied reply was "I would move the bucket to the desk, thus reducing the problem to the previously solved one."
Definition of a computer: An actuary with a heart.
Some insurance company officers are taking a walk in the woods. Following a path, they come upon a dead bird. The actuary bends down, examines the bird carefully, and says: "I think we may be able to determine how this bird died." The agent says: "It makes no difference how it died--it wasn't MY fault." The accountant says: "Not another dead bird! How are we going to bury THIS one?" The auditor carefully notes exactly what kind of dead bird it is, and looks around for more. The claims manager says, "Oh, this kind of dead bird is never going to happen again." And the product manager says: "This bird isn't dead! I swear, it's going to start flying around any minute now!"
An actuary owns hens that lay eggs, and he collects one egg from them every morning for breakfast. He also has an accountant neighbor who watches him collect the eggs each day. One day, one of the hens gets out of its cage and lays the egg in the acountant's back yard. The actuary sees this and challenges the accountant over ownership of the egg. An argument ensues, and the actuary offers to settle it in a contest: "We take turns in kicking each other where it hurts, and whoever takes the least time to get up wins the egg." The accountant agrees, and the actuary gets to kick first. He goes inside, puts on his steel capped boots, takes a run at the accountant and kicks for his life, right where it hurts the most.
The accountant collapses, and hobbles to his feet after about half an hour. "Now it's my turn," he says with some relish.
The actuary responds, "Nah, keep the egg."
