Hi guys. Long time, no see. Thought I'd drop in and say hello to everyone, and catch you all up on how the holidays are progressing.
Christmas was spent this year at my brother, Jason's house. Due to some rather large scheduling conflicts, we had "Christmas" a week early this year. The kids were excited to know that Santa would be dropping by with presents a little early, and we all had a fine time. Now, you have to know my brother, Jay. He's twice as funny as I am. As a joke, he always used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said that all he ever wanted was for Santa to fill them. Well, what they say about Santa checking his list twice must be true, because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose sadly hung empty.
Well, this year I decided that I was going to make his dream come true. I wanted to have a little fun at Jay's expense, so I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. As you probably already know, they don't exactly sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store before, don't go, because you'll only confuse yourself. I was there for an hour saying things like "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" "Where does that go?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I told the clerk that I just wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could substitute as a passenger in my car so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. She smirked. :facepalm:
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Did you know that 'Love Dolls' come in many different models? The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I wasn't looking to spend a mortgage payment on a gag gift, so I settled for 'Lovable Louise'. She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On "Christmas Eve" and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law, Connie, was in on the plan and she let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. :ninjagone:
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog somewhat confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained "It's a doll". "Well who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, doesn't it, Gran?" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was a friend of Jay's.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel next to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realised this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat hissed. I shot cranberry sauce out of my nose and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants, he was laughing so hard. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later, in my brother's garage, we conducted an autopsy to find the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called "duct tape", we restored her to perfect health. I can't wait until next Christmas.
That's life in the Green family household. You may not like it, but you'll never forget it.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Will
Christmas was spent this year at my brother, Jason's house. Due to some rather large scheduling conflicts, we had "Christmas" a week early this year. The kids were excited to know that Santa would be dropping by with presents a little early, and we all had a fine time. Now, you have to know my brother, Jay. He's twice as funny as I am. As a joke, he always used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said that all he ever wanted was for Santa to fill them. Well, what they say about Santa checking his list twice must be true, because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose sadly hung empty.
Well, this year I decided that I was going to make his dream come true. I wanted to have a little fun at Jay's expense, so I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. As you probably already know, they don't exactly sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store before, don't go, because you'll only confuse yourself. I was there for an hour saying things like "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" "Where does that go?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I told the clerk that I just wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could substitute as a passenger in my car so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. She smirked. :facepalm:
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Did you know that 'Love Dolls' come in many different models? The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I wasn't looking to spend a mortgage payment on a gag gift, so I settled for 'Lovable Louise'. She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On "Christmas Eve" and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law, Connie, was in on the plan and she let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. :ninjagone:
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog somewhat confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained "It's a doll". "Well who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, doesn't it, Gran?" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was a friend of Jay's.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel next to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realised this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat hissed. I shot cranberry sauce out of my nose and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants, he was laughing so hard. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later, in my brother's garage, we conducted an autopsy to find the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called "duct tape", we restored her to perfect health. I can't wait until next Christmas.
That's life in the Green family household. You may not like it, but you'll never forget it.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Will
