I'm on the edge (My breakdown) Confession of an alcoholic

[BrucesReps]

I have no idea why I am posting this here. I don't want any of you to feel sorry for me. I don't want any of you to feel obligated to try and help me, I am not asking for that.... I am simply putting it all out there because I don't want anyone else going through this.

The day I turned 16 was the beginning. I woke up early that day because I was so excited to get my learners permit. But when I woke, it was not a happy day. I was told my grandmother had died. So for the next week I stayed at the funeral home. Once I finally came home.... I cried, and then I did the unthinkable.... I picked up my first drink... I tried drowning the pain. I tried to forget. I drank so heavily I passed out in a ditch outside of my parents house.

My 18th birthday. Again I was excited to wake up as this was the day I could legally buy smokes. Also it was the day I was supposed to get my license(I never got my license at 16 nor a permit at 16). And again, I wake to a sad event. My cousin with whom I am very close to had fallen off of a 2 story roof and broken nearly every bone in his body. For the next few days I stayed with him at the hospital. And again....when finally I returned home, I drank. This time when I drank it was so much that I didn't just pass out, I ended up assaulting someone(charges were dropped) and going to jail(record expunged).

When I turned 21 all hell broke loose. It was a sunday night and I was waiting at the bar for the clock to hit 12:01 am. at which point I ordered my first legal drink(Jack n coke). While there my would be gf shows up with some other guy kissing on him and such. She did not even see me there. I drank some more and more.... In all I spent around $400 or close to it on shots and jack n coke. I got up from my bar stool and the next thing I remember I was in the back of a police car. The officer told me I nearly killed the guy. I sobered up and was released on bond.

On December the 8th, 2008 at 2pm I was standing at the alter awaiting my bride to be to join me. When I finally saw her I could not believe my eyes, she was beautiful. After we said I do we got into the car and headed for our honeymoon in Daytona Beach(Yes we drove because we were taking a mustang convertible to enjoy). I was awoken the next morning by a scream. My father had been in a motorcycle accident..... We rushed home(took somewhere around 14 hours) and he was in the hospital with a broken collar bone, 4 broken ribs, wiplash and a concussion. After we FINALLY made it home... around 4am on the 10th of december I started to grab any and all alcohol that was within reach. I don't remember anything other than awaking in the hospital. I had alcohol poisoning. After a week of being in the hospital I finally got to go home.

It started to go downhill after that. I was drinking everyday almost nonstop. From the time I woke up usually around 6 or 7am until I went to bed usually around 10 or 11pm. I ended up cheating on my wife and getting a divorce. I lost my job, I lost my car. I almost declared bankruptcy. I then started to smoke pot. This lasted until Jan the 4th, 2010 at 2pm. My daughter was born.

I stayed clean and sober until Jan of this year. An entire year of being sober.
I started to drink again... Not heavy, mainly socially. I then found myself drinking to pass out. And now...... I am still drinking and have finally realized.....
It is NOT the answer. I have just poured out all of my alcohol and flushed all of my pot. But, I have given up on so many things. Love being the main thing. Is there truly love? If so I do not see it. People always arguing, cheating, getting divorced, fighting one another....... Now I am regretting pouring anything out........

 

[MMA]

That's a bad run man, but nevertheless - stay strong. You can stay off the drink.

Best wishes to you.

 

[BrucesReps]

Watches are the only thing that have kept me going. But here recently........ I just don't seem to have it in me to hold back any more.....

 

[Bonesey]

Keep strong man, find something you can pour your energy and efforts into. Once you're an alchoholic you're always an alchoholic, it's just that with a lot of will, and love you can become a sober one.

 

[5up3rman]

Dude that is one hell of a life and events.
Sorry to hear all that, try and stay strong and it seems as if you do understand that getting wasted aint gonna help you in the long run.
Not to patronise you or anything, but have you been to a doctor or tried to seek advice on how to handle your drinking.
I'm thinking possibly some kind of counselling could help

 

[Dr.Verylong]

Alcoholics Anonymous might be a good idea to stabilize yourself first. Seek support from the group - you are not the only one having this problem. And then re-learn to enjoy life again. Maybe even go to a therapy, although this is very very hard.

But you made it this far so you can overcome it. Good luck!

 

[Member X]

Every journey starts with a step, and the key first step to getting onto the right path is recognising the error of your ways, be it drinking, womanising, getting out of a bad habit...

... so it sounds like you've made the first step, which is good news

The journey might not be easy, but staying dry is possible and each day you stay off it you will grow a bit stronger because you know you've gone that far so what's one more day?

You'll get through it and there are support networks out there if you need them. Start with your family if you can, as they will be happy to help you, and you may find it brings you closer to them, but it can be easier to be open with strangers, weirdly!

 

[wat44]

I can offer no help besides telling you to go and seek professional help

you obviously care for those around you

do it TODAY!

 

[BrucesReps]

Thank you all. I did not post this to get pity by no means. I have been to AA several times but always end up going back to the drink. I have seen doctors but they do not help.
There is ALOT that I left out but those are the major ones there.

Thanks for the support.

 

[Member X]

Just an observation on what you've posted, but would it be fair to say that you turn to drink when you feel helpless in a situation? Perhaps to escape having to face the problem head on, or to distract yourself from the situation you can do nothing about?

Being out of control can certainly make a person want to escape from the situation!

 

[chromed.]

admitting tt u have this prob, to me, is e most impt 1st step.. i'm not too sure how AA wrks but finding a grp tt'll stick is kinda hard.. get e support of friends, family, loved ones or even ur local forumers in RWI.. one thing i've gain since joining this forum is finding friends who r not just passionate about watches but about other things as well&i've found a couple of great friends here.. take this chance to pick up a new hobby, start a watch build or anything tt'll interest u.. also, i feel, finding a substitute to dealing with setbacks tt happens.. e key is to stay strong, determined&have e willpower to resist picking up tt drink..

no offense here but my motto in life has always been "shit happens, life goes on, whether u like it or not."

it can be hard but dont give up..

all e best

 

[TESLA760]

The biirth of my daughter, a little over a year ago, changed my perspective on a lot of things. I lived my life fairly recklessly for years. I wasn't ever an alcoholic per say, but I was a weekend drinker, and I knew how to pound them down with my friends. I now drink very rarely. My wife and daughter are the most important things to me. I would suggest that you focus on the ones you love, specially your child. Imagine what her life without you would be. Think closely. She might actually turn to alcohol herself if she doesn't have a father in her life. That alone should motivate you during your moments of weakness. Stay strong brother. The hardest moments are yet to come. I would say that you should feel free to come here and vent. It helps to do that every now and then. Remember, the bottle fixes nothing. As a matter of fact, it makes things worse !

 

[plymman]

Bruce, there is love, it's just not the flawless state of being Hollywood makes you think it is! One day it'll come together for you but not without the ups and downs and heartache you'll encounter on the way.

I suffer with a long term illness and am watching my kids grow without being able to kick a ball with them and with my wife looking after me and all my affairs. I'm surrounded by love but at times feel so low and bleak it's difficult to see a happy future.

I can't ever have a drink or smoke again as it could finish me off and do you know what? When I was told that giving up was the easiest thing in the world, even after 10 years of trying (even though my illness has nothing to do with my old lifestyle).

Nobody has the answers my friend but drink will drag you down and finish you off, accept this as fact and it makes giving it up all the easier.

My thoughts are with you, this forum has helped me through the bleakest of times and I'm sure it'll do the same for you. People here aren't just user names, they are caring and kind people as I have found out for myself.

 

[ThinkBachs]

This isn't going to work. You can't quit cold turkey and not replace the behavior with an alternative. If there's no support system in place, and no other form of dealing with difficult situations, then drugs and alcohol are the easy answer.

Getting rid of the temptation is a baby step- more symbolic than anything else. You still know where the bars are, where the dealers live... what you don't know is how to control how you deal with the next trauma.

You're at a fork in the road- and so far it sounds like you've been lucky. Yes, things have gotten ugly, and yes you have yourself to blame. Take ownership of those things but do not live in the past. We can't change the past, but we can prepare for the future.

This is going to take some work on your part- you're going to have to do things you haven't done before. This might be painful and difficult, but anything worth doing often is. Think of your life as a car wreck. The more damage, the more parts that need to be repaired or replaced.

Here's the best part though: as you go about fixing things, and learning how to make your life better, the greater the sense of self worth and pride.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking you can do it by yourself- you can't. It'll be like asking a baby to ride a motorcycle.

One last note-

Don't concentrate on the negative, focus on the positives!

Grandma dies:
-How lucky you were to know her!
-How awesome is it that she shared with you the love she had and taught you how to share it with others!
-She's in a better place, nothing wrong with that!

Cousin gets hurt:
-Dumb ass- should have been more careful!
-Cripes! Fell off a roof and lived to tell about it!
-Nurses... sponge baths... Jello!

Dad falls off motorcycle:
-Nurses... sponge baths... Jello!
-Get to spend more time with dad, now that he can't go anywhere.
-Great opportunity to take care of your dad, like he did you when all you could do was fall down and spit up.

Look at the bright side of everything- there's always a bright side, you just have to look for it. Humor is a great way to help you through difficult situations, or just to pick you up when you feel down.

After re-reading your post, one thing is remarkably clear. Every situation that you described involves you thinking about you, and not anyone else.

Grandma dies- poor me.
Cousin gets hurt- poor me.
Dad falls off a motorcycle- poor me.
Wife isn't happy because I wallow in self pity- poor me.

As long as you live feeling that it's all about you, you will fail. Change that and you'll see a huge difference in life.

 

[R2D4]

I have someone who is very dear to me that is going through this Bruce. All the recovery options that are-are not available have'nt been working so we are getting mental help and that is our last option. Since you have been through so much, keep seeking the guidance of a professional therapist. That is the only advice I can give. Good luck to you and you are in my prayers. God speed.

 

[tommy_boy]

A good friend of mine believes in AA as a resource. He makes himself available to others who simply need to talk to a guy who has kept his demons at bay for over 25 years. The conversations and fellowship are good for him and good for the others. That, along with his faith and the network at his church, keeps him from "walking in slippery places."

This may not be the formula for your success, but it sure has worked for him. I can say this because I knew him when he was a drinker.

Keep looking for your answers. All the best.

 

[trksh-bzr]

hat's off to you, for being honest about this, in a place where you could easily have been pretending to be anything. this shows that a comunity like this gives us a genuine social relation, and you just made it very clear!

you know, I have a few relatives and friends that have a few too much every day, but as they stilll keep it together, it is not really spoken about, and for you, it seems that the problem has been that you have gotten into a self perpetuating circle, as the drinking is caused by a or some problems in your life, and now the drinking has become a problem in itself, and so the circle is compleete, and continues.

you know, what I said about my friends that drink too much, I only mentioned to put into perspective that not only people such as you have problems that need working with, the thing is that you just have a problem that easily becomes extremely exposed, as your drinking seems out of control.
you probably see yourself as a failure right at the moment when you wake up and have done something stupid. but really lots of people have similar issues, just with other things,m such as shopping for money people don't have or eating like a goldfish.. remember you just have a visible peoblem, and do not have the privilege of deciding for yourself if you are willing to share this with your sorroundings.

your path leeds you in the direction of your next step, be strong man!!

good luck

trk

 

[Phil G]

One last note-

Don't concentrate on the negative, focus on the positives!

Grandma dies:
-How lucky you were to know her!
-How awesome is it that she shared with you the love she had and taught you how to share it with others!
-She's in a better place, nothing wrong with that!

Cousin gets hurt:
-Dumb ass- should have been more careful!
-Cripes! Fell off a roof and lived to tell about it!
-Nurses... sponge baths... Jello!

Dad falls off motorcycle:
-Nurses... sponge baths... Jello!
-Get to spend more time with dad, now that he can't go anywhere.
-Great opportunity to take care of your dad, like he did you when all you could do was fall down and spit up.

Look at the bright side of everything- there's always a bright side, you just have to look for it. Humor is a great way to help you through difficult situations, or just to pick you up when you feel down.

After re-reading your post, one thing is remarkably clear. Every situation that you described involves you thinking about you, and not anyone else.

Grandma dies- poor me.
Cousin gets hurt- poor me.
Dad falls off a motorcycle- poor me.
Wife isn't happy because I wallow in self pity- poor me.

As long as you live feeling that it's all about you, you will fail. Change that and you'll see a huge difference in life.

You're a wise man ThinkBachs, the harder truth, the truer the friend.

Bruce, you've taken a giant set in recognising your problem. Last year I lost two of my sister-in-laws to drink, both young girls. They both said they didn't have an issue with the booze, now they're dead. Survived by five children who no longer have their mother with them.

As ThinkBachs says, try and find as much humour and laughter in life as you can. It's a great therapy.

Good luck, Phil

=

ps, this place is always good for a laugh

 

[TESLA760]

What TRKSH said is so true. We all have friends who drink a little too much, a little too often. I myself was in that group. I guess you can label that a functioning alcohol dependent. I found that the older I got , the harder the next day was on me. Now I enjoy waking up every morning without booze breathe and that headache. I'm no saint. There are times I will go out with some friends and pound some down. But if you cannot get your dependency under control, it's best to stay away. The hardest part is changing your circle of friends. Ultimately, whether we like it or not, we pay a price for our behavior.

You're a better person than most for realizing your problem. Now take the next step to being an even bigger man , and kick that habit right in the ass !

 

[BrucesReps]

I have officially put down the drink..... I feel like sh!t but I know that it is best. Things are starting to look up already..... I had a surprise phone call from an ex boss today after being laid off for some time asking if I wanted to come back. Also my ex wife is now back in my life.... Where we end up is the question but nonetheless we are growing closer.

I really love this community among others. Here I can be myself and be honest. And yeah, I could have lied or hid behind my wall of shame like most but I wanted to share these experiences with everyone. Alcohol isn't the answer. Drugs aren't the answer either. We all have our own faults and we all have our own way of dealing with our problems. I guess for me it was alcohol. I am now taking up a new hobby to get my mind off the drink. I am going to start modding watches! Lume, waterproofing, etc....