With apologies to those who've seen before 
icard:
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit"
=========
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said,
'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'
Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call centre.
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.
===============
But it wasn't his wife. It didn't take long to realize his mistake, when she spun around and glared at him. He said, "I'm SO very sorry, miss... I... ah, well, from back here you looked just like my wife... "
She tore into him, "You STUPID JERK!!! WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!!!!"
To which he replied, "WOW miss, hey you SOUND just like her too!"
icard:A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit"
=========
The Personnel Manager said,
'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'
Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call centre.
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.
===============
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And that’s when the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And that’s when the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her somewhere expensive... So, I took her to a petrol station.
And that’s when the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --- ------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
After my retirement from my job, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that’s when the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- - -------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'That's amazing!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating for that long?'
And that’s when the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?""
"Nope!" I said, "She can order for herself."
And that’s when the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---
A woman is standing totally naked, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment about myself."
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that’s when the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- ------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Budweiser beer for £14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for £7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better to me at night than the face cream.
And that’s when the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her backside look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
And that’s when the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Oh my gosh…That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And that’s when the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered , 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that’s when the fight started ...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
My wife and I are watching “Who Wants to be a Millionaire†while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Are you in the mood for some lovin' tonight?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...........
------------------
A guy was standing in line at the checkout behind a woman whom he thought was his wife. He reached forward and gave her a pinch on the behind.I said, 'Dust.'
And that’s when the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And that’s when the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her somewhere expensive... So, I took her to a petrol station.
And that’s when the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --- ------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
After my retirement from my job, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that’s when the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- - -------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'That's amazing!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating for that long?'
And that’s when the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?""
"Nope!" I said, "She can order for herself."
And that’s when the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---
A woman is standing totally naked, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment about myself."
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that’s when the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- ------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Budweiser beer for £14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for £7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better to me at night than the face cream.
And that’s when the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her backside look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
And that’s when the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Oh my gosh…That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And that’s when the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered , 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that’s when the fight started ...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
My wife and I are watching “Who Wants to be a Millionaire†while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Are you in the mood for some lovin' tonight?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...........
------------------
But it wasn't his wife. It didn't take long to realize his mistake, when she spun around and glared at him. He said, "I'm SO very sorry, miss... I... ah, well, from back here you looked just like my wife... "
She tore into him, "You STUPID JERK!!! WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!!!!"
To which he replied, "WOW miss, hey you SOUND just like her too!"