This apparently is a true story.
A 98 year old lady wrote this to the bank she had been dealing with for decades.
Dear Sir:
THe reason I am writing to you is to thank you for waking me up to what you as a trusted institution, have become.
Recently you bounced my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my trusted Plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival of the funds in my account to honour it. I refer, off course, to the automatic monthly deposit of the interest of my holdings, also held by your bank, an arrangement which I admit has only been in place for the last eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $ 30.00 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
This incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways, for which I am truly grateful to you.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. The interest of my holdings will therefore and hereafter no longer be automaticcally deposited into my account, but delivered to me be cheque. I will then personnally deposit this cheque with the person you will have to assign to handle my financial affairs.If by any chance I should be personally unable to deposit into my account in person, this deposit will be entrusted to the US postal service and will be addressed to the person assigned to handle my account.
Be aware that it is an offence under the postal act for anyother person to open such an envelope
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your choosen employee to complete.
I am truly sorry this runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that I require all copies of his or her medical history and mandatory details of his or her financial situation(income, assets, debt and liabilities) must be countersigned by a Notary Public and accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue to your employee a PIN number of no less than 28 digits which he or she must quote in dealing with me.
I regret having to ask for this but I have modelled this after the required buttons I must press when accsessing my account. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1- To make an appointment to see me.
2- To query a missing payment.
3- To transfer the call to my living room.
4- To transfer the call to my bedroom.
5- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I have to answer a call from
nature.
6-To transer the call to my mobile phone.
7- To leave a message on my computer( a password to access my computer is required) This will be communicated to you at a later date to the designated person.
8- To return to the main menu.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will be placed on hold, pending the attentionof my automated answering service
While this may, on occasion, involve a lenghty wait, generally uplifting music will play for the duration of the call
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the expense of setting up this new arrangement.
May I wish you a pleasant, if ever so slightly prosperous, day.
Your humble and sincerely Client.
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SENIORS!
A 98 year old lady wrote this to the bank she had been dealing with for decades.
Dear Sir:
THe reason I am writing to you is to thank you for waking me up to what you as a trusted institution, have become.
Recently you bounced my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my trusted Plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival of the funds in my account to honour it. I refer, off course, to the automatic monthly deposit of the interest of my holdings, also held by your bank, an arrangement which I admit has only been in place for the last eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $ 30.00 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
This incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways, for which I am truly grateful to you.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. The interest of my holdings will therefore and hereafter no longer be automaticcally deposited into my account, but delivered to me be cheque. I will then personnally deposit this cheque with the person you will have to assign to handle my financial affairs.If by any chance I should be personally unable to deposit into my account in person, this deposit will be entrusted to the US postal service and will be addressed to the person assigned to handle my account.
Be aware that it is an offence under the postal act for anyother person to open such an envelope
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your choosen employee to complete.
I am truly sorry this runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that I require all copies of his or her medical history and mandatory details of his or her financial situation(income, assets, debt and liabilities) must be countersigned by a Notary Public and accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue to your employee a PIN number of no less than 28 digits which he or she must quote in dealing with me.
I regret having to ask for this but I have modelled this after the required buttons I must press when accsessing my account. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1- To make an appointment to see me.
2- To query a missing payment.
3- To transfer the call to my living room.
4- To transfer the call to my bedroom.
5- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I have to answer a call from
nature.
6-To transer the call to my mobile phone.
7- To leave a message on my computer( a password to access my computer is required) This will be communicated to you at a later date to the designated person.
8- To return to the main menu.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will be placed on hold, pending the attentionof my automated answering service
While this may, on occasion, involve a lenghty wait, generally uplifting music will play for the duration of the call
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the expense of setting up this new arrangement.
May I wish you a pleasant, if ever so slightly prosperous, day.
Your humble and sincerely Client.
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SENIORS!