Rants from a UPS driver (Washington DC)
before I started this job I thought I was a pretty normal person and your average person in DC had common sense. Damn if I wasn't wrong on that one. Now mind you the average home price where I deliver is $750,000+. Here are a few tips to get your shit to you, not to get ran the hell over, and not get cursed out by a driver wearing a shit brown uniform.
* Put 'kin numbers on your house. How hard is that? I know you're college educated. How 'kin hard is it to post numbers. Hire someone, hell hire me to put em up. And I understand your shit may be getting remodeled. Grab one of those big ass pieces of ply-wood, spray some numbers on it and stick it in your front yard.
* Illuminate the 'kin lights. Go stand in the middle of the street at night and see if you can see your house numbers. If you cannot see them or have to search to find them, how the hell do you think I can see them????
* If you see my big ass truck driving down a narrow two way street with cars parked on both sides I PROMISE you you cannot get by. Not even in a Mini Cooper on two wheels.
* If you come out and see that your side view mirror is ripped off dont automatically assume it was me. It was probably the asshole trying to squeeze by me.
* Honking your horn is not going to move my truck. I assure you I already know I'm blocking your path and you blowing your horn constantly is only going to piss me off which in turn is only going to make me take longer to piss you off.
* If you ordered huge shit from Pottery Barn, West Elm Ikea, or oversize.com and I'm nice enough to bring it in your house because you're weak, old, with child, have broken limb or just plain 'kin lazy. don't tip me a 'kin dollar and think anything else is going to make it to your house on 1st attempt or in one piece.
* Don't bitch because I threw your Landsend or J Crew package to your door. It's only a 'kin shirt, calm your nerves.
* Don't tell me your damn life story unless you're paying me to listen. I am on a time line. Shut up and just sign.
* Lock up your dog/cat/bad ass kid or whatever else is wild behind your door. If it comes at me I will screw it up with whatever I can get my hands on to defend myself.
* And don't try to jump in my shit about a package that UPS lost somewhere in transition. I am only a driver, I only deliver what they put on the truck. I have not been a driver my whole life and don't think this brown uniform will stop you from getting your ass kicked.
* And always remember my truck is bigger than your vehicle. It's as raggedy as hell and DOES NOT STOP ON A DIME and never will. Don't cut me off or ride your bike in my path or think you can beat me across the street. I promise you will end up the loser guaranteed.
before I started this job I thought I was a pretty normal person and your average person in DC had common sense. Damn if I wasn't wrong on that one. Now mind you the average home price where I deliver is $750,000+. Here are a few tips to get your shit to you, not to get ran the hell over, and not get cursed out by a driver wearing a shit brown uniform.
* Put 'kin numbers on your house. How hard is that? I know you're college educated. How 'kin hard is it to post numbers. Hire someone, hell hire me to put em up. And I understand your shit may be getting remodeled. Grab one of those big ass pieces of ply-wood, spray some numbers on it and stick it in your front yard.
* Illuminate the 'kin lights. Go stand in the middle of the street at night and see if you can see your house numbers. If you cannot see them or have to search to find them, how the hell do you think I can see them????
* If you see my big ass truck driving down a narrow two way street with cars parked on both sides I PROMISE you you cannot get by. Not even in a Mini Cooper on two wheels.
* If you come out and see that your side view mirror is ripped off dont automatically assume it was me. It was probably the asshole trying to squeeze by me.
* Honking your horn is not going to move my truck. I assure you I already know I'm blocking your path and you blowing your horn constantly is only going to piss me off which in turn is only going to make me take longer to piss you off.
* If you ordered huge shit from Pottery Barn, West Elm Ikea, or oversize.com and I'm nice enough to bring it in your house because you're weak, old, with child, have broken limb or just plain 'kin lazy. don't tip me a 'kin dollar and think anything else is going to make it to your house on 1st attempt or in one piece.
* Don't bitch because I threw your Landsend or J Crew package to your door. It's only a 'kin shirt, calm your nerves.
* Don't tell me your damn life story unless you're paying me to listen. I am on a time line. Shut up and just sign.
* Lock up your dog/cat/bad ass kid or whatever else is wild behind your door. If it comes at me I will screw it up with whatever I can get my hands on to defend myself.
* And don't try to jump in my shit about a package that UPS lost somewhere in transition. I am only a driver, I only deliver what they put on the truck. I have not been a driver my whole life and don't think this brown uniform will stop you from getting your ass kicked.
* And always remember my truck is bigger than your vehicle. It's as raggedy as hell and DOES NOT STOP ON A DIME and never will. Don't cut me off or ride your bike in my path or think you can beat me across the street. I promise you will end up the loser guaranteed.
