I'm on the edge (My breakdown) Confession of an alcoholic

[RobbDizzle]

Admitting you have a problem is the first step, Bruce. You did that by posting here...you might not have been seeking anything, but you have a wealth of information and support here now. I'll throw my oar in, and try to address one small part if you don't mind:

I'm majoring in psychology. I've studied addiction in a few forms, alcoholism being one of them. I'm not going to psychoanalyze you (because I hate Freud! ) or anything, but I'll say that one component of your addiction is mental: the schemas that you've formed during your life and the course of you coping with trauma. Others have hit on it, in addition to your alluding to it yourself...you use alcohol as a band-aid to numb away problems. It's a small thing, but try destroying the associations you've made with alcohol and life. When life turns to sh*t, and you think to drink, stop and think about something that makes you happy. Your daughter, maybe. Or watches! Do it often enough, and you'll begin to associate something else with tough events. It won't make you stop, but it'll give you enough pause to take back control if you really want to.

Best of luck, mate. You've got it beat...just a matter of time now :thumbsup:

 

[TienHsueh78]

Speaking as an alcoholic here get your ass to a psychologist, it would probably help to talk about whatever drives you to drink. I can pretty much guarantee it wasn't the events you listed. The even better thing about this is you probably need antidepressants as your brain chemistry is likely ****** after years of drinking, also it will have the side effect of improving your mood to the point where you dont feel the need to drink, and a number of the antidepressants have side effects of curbing the desire to use various addictive drugs (not sure why).

I got clean on my own after a pretty shitty personal tragedy that I may have been able to avoid if I hadn't been bombed out of my mind 90% of the time, so it can be done. AA might help you but honestly the recidivism rates are the same or slightly worse than not using it, maybe listening to people talk about how bad they want a drink all the time isn't the best thing to curb desire. Also get to a regular doctor and have some blood work done, there is a not small chance that you have destroyed your liver or kidneys and need lifestyle changes/medicine to not drop dead.

I failed a LOT of times before I finally got clean, dont beat yourself up over ******* up it will only make you feel worse and be more likely to fail. You messed up just accept it and move on and try your best to stay clean from now on.

 

[BrucesReps]

I do not want your pity. I do not want your remorse. I said before.... I have tried counseling and AA and all of that. Nothing has worked.

Now has officially been 2 weeks since my last drink. One problem though. I am constantly angry. I get lit up fairly easy with simple things. I yell at people for no reason.

When will it stop?

 

[MrYesterday]

The anger stops when you find out why you were angry in the first place. You've always been "constantly angry, lit up fairly easy with simple things, yelled at people for no reason.". You just used the alcohol as a buffer between you and your emotions. Lack of alcohol doesn't make anyone an :asshat: , it just conceals the underlying issues. At least that's been my experience.

 

[levelmanroger]

The anger stops when you find out why you were angry in the first place. You've always been "constantly angry, lit up fairly easy with simple things, yelled at people for no reason.". You just used the alcohol as a buffer between you and your emotions. Lack of alcohol doesn't make anyone an :asshat: , it just conceals the underlying issues. At least that's been my experience.

Well-said. And true.

 

[PecMan]

well my friend. maybe when u went to the doctor or whoever was trying to help u . u had in ur mind that that person was going to give u a magic answer to the problems , u were probably expecting the problem to be solved. that is what we usually do , we look for the easy way out. we dont really wanna c that there is no easy scape.
whatever people tells u , every single tip . from doctors, professionals, friends, family wont help if u dont really do something about it . the only one that can help u . is urself!
u have to love urself first! to be able to love people around u.
u must learn how to love urself, u must learn how to be strong, how to deal with life , maybe u are saying(yes it is easy to write that , but try to do it ******* pecman!!) i know it is easy to write it . and really difficult to do it!???
if u love urself , u will work hard to be happy , no one owns ur happiness , so u decide if u are happy or not, love urself means , respect urself, mind soul and body. love urself means to be strong , to be a soldier that is able to stand up everytime he falls , even if his legs are broken and so tired he stands up! and eventually wins the war! only the strong ones survive and u know that u are a strong person inside of u ! this is not about given u psicological help that will help for a while , this is a lifestyle . getting closer to god will help, everymorning when u wake up, breath and say thanks god! im alive, im not sick ! im happy ! i have a beautifull wife! daughter ! everything is fine! today will be amazing day, at work , with my family !
dont do it 1 week or 2 or 1 month or 1 year , do it till u die.
nothing comes easy , to drink and get ****** up and do all the bad is easy.
u are the only one to prove urself who u are and what are u capable to do !
u are the only one that knows if u wanna stay and fight or quit and leave.
tips that u will need: look for some activities that u enjoy. dedicate more time to the family.
read about good quality life.
learn how to be positive all the time! don think negative , think urself as the best , and if u fail , slap urself in the face and wake up , learn and keep walking .
regards
pec. (sorry sending emails to hont makes me crazy )

 

[ThinkBachs]

Sounds like Bi-polar to me. Some people have male pattern baldness, others hyper/hypo thyroids, and then some of us have actual chemical imbalances that cause us to go into rages for seemingly no reason. Part of it is holding things in all the time till they explode (often at the wrong person), but the other part of it is the inability to keep those emotions in check.

Talk to your PCP (primary care physician), let them know what's been going on (highs/lows, you can do a little Googling for the rest) and see how Celexa works for you. It made a huge difference for me. It needs to build up in your system, but once it starts working, you'll know it.

Just a thought.

 

[Master Of The Universe]

As you know, the answers are "not" at the bottom of the bottle.

You simply don't need it...

Alcohol poisoning when I was about 22 was my wake up call and I haven't reapted that again and I'm going on 38. I learned my lesson. Do I still have a few, sure but I stop after a few. I drink for social not for answers or to fit in, or worse to drown out any missery. That simply doesn't work in the end.

My health, family, and my friends and now my wife are more important then drinking.

What you have now (the above mentioned) cherish as if your life depends on it. It sounds cliche' however things do happen in life for a reason. As if to guide into paths of the unknown and many times for the better good.

Good for you for bringing yourself to the truth. I wish you all the best, because there really is, better then the bottle.

True love, yes it does exist. I discovered mine about 2 half years ago. Do we argue sure, say things we regret or don't intend sure. But true love for me, is working through those moments and pressing on with life.

Best regards,
Rich M~

 

[Member X]

Sounds like Bi-polar to me. Some people have male pattern baldness, others hyper/hypo thyroids, and then some of us have actual chemical imbalances that cause us to go into rages for seemingly no reason. Part of it is holding things in all the time till they explode (often at the wrong person), but the other part of it is the inability to keep those emotions in check.

Talk to your PCP (primary care physician), let them know what's been going on (highs/lows, you can do a little Googling for the rest) and see how Celexa works for you. It made a huge difference for me. It needs to build up in your system, but once it starts working, you'll know it.

Just a thought.

Without wishing to be disparaging towards methods that work for other people, I wouldn't (personally speaking) recommend switching from one dependency (alcohol) to another (pills of whatever variety).

I'd like to think that I could cope with life on my own, without the assistance of chemicals or alcohol, but do understand that these things can be used short term to 'get over the hump' of a problem that is being dealt with.

I've used St Johns Wort in the past (the herbal remedy) and I found it made a massive difference (start off on 3 a day and see how spaced you get LoL), although I didn't want to stay on it for too long because I felt like my perception of life was altered. It did however help me through a difficult patch when I was extremely down.


Do you do exercise? Could you work the anger you're feeling into self-improvement, pushing yourself harder to run further or push more weights or swim further? That might be the best thing to do. If you're too tired from exercise to feel angry, it will enable you to relax and think more clearly about why you're angry. It will also make you fitter and release endorphins after exercise, the feel-good chemicals in your brain

You could also try writing letters, either to the people you're angry with or to your future self, to tell them/yourself how you're feeling and why. And if you don't know the 'why', your brain works things out as you write, so it will come to you. Putting things onto paper helps empty your head of the thoughts that have been crowding your headspace, as well as making them more concrete because they are now real and on the page, not just floating around in your head. This makes you think more clearly and therefore be less frustrated at being unable to understand or communicate what you are feeling and why. Writing letters helped me get over an ex because as I wrote I realised that it wasn't her I missed, it was the relationship that I missed, so that was a big help. You don't have to send the letters, just put them in a box and when you come back to them in 6 months / a year / several years time, you will be amazed at how far you've come!

You'll get through it, just take one day at a time!

 

[MrYesterday]

TB is talking about if he is bi-polar. You can't "walk off" having a chemical imbalance in your brain. There is no "miracle cure" for bi-polar. It take vigilance, constant monitoring, and a doctor's care. There's a HUGE difference between substance abuse, and medication.
I understand you're trying to give him an alternative if he's merely an angry person (I was exceedingly angry, before I found art, music, and martial arts to take the edge off), but please don't confuse irritability for a psychological disorder.
Not trying to be a dick, that just hit close to home.

 

[Member X]

Fair comments, no offence taken

I was just suggesting some alternatives because the bi-polar was only a suggestion, so why not try the simple things first, and exercise is recommended for depression and other such mental conditions


Personally speaking I try to avoid medication unless strictly 100% necessary, so I would always advocate natural remedies before powerful drugs! Although they do, of course, serve a purpose when correctly prescribed.

On a side-note, I dislike hearing stories (from America, usually...) about kids of 5, 6, 7, etc completely zombied out on all sorts of strong drugs to control them, rather than actually sitting them down and working through any problems they may have, or just accepting that they're kids being kids and one day they will more than likely grow out of it.
It does sometime seem that the first reaction nowadays is to reach for a bottle of pills rather than deal with the underlying issue! Hence I was suggesting that pills should not form a substitute for alcohol, out of concern that another problem could be created, rather than fixing the original problem 'properly'. If it is Bi-Polar then, of course, medication can form part of a mix of therapies.


I hope Bruce can find a solution through working with all the available options, whatever they may be

 

[ThinkBachs]

Without wishing to be disparaging towards methods that work for other people, I wouldn't (personally speaking) recommend switching from one dependency (alcohol) to another (pills of whatever variety).

• I see it as something that isn't any different than a person who needs insulin or takes calcium supplements to prevent Osteoporosis.

I'd like to think that I could cope with life on my own,

• I would like to think I could build a house on my own. This is were the knowledge of professionals and the right tools make a difference between a shanty and a home. Both could be considered a home, but which is better suited to protect you from the elements?

without the assistance of chemicals or alcohol, but do understand that these things can be used short term to 'get over the hump' of a problem that is being dealt with.

• True to a point, but if you're missing a leg, it's still better to have a crutch to help you get around than hopping all the time.

I've used St Johns Wort in the past (the herbal remedy) and I found it made a massive difference (start off on 3 a day and see how spaced you get LoL),

• So, it seems that something that grows out of the ground is acceptable, but not a substance that has been scientifically and chemically engineered to adjust a specific imbalance is just too ooky to be acceptable. Gotcha.

although I didn't want to stay on it for too long because I felt like my perception of life was altered. It did however help me through a difficult patch when I was extremely down.

• I don't even know where start or end with this. I've entered into conversations with people that prefer natural remedies and it always ends in a draw.

Do you do exercise? Could you work the anger you're feeling into self-improvement, pushing yourself harder to run further or push more weights or swim further? That might be the best thing to do. If you're too tired from exercise to feel angry, it will enable you to relax and think more clearly about why you're angry. It will also make you fitter and release endorphins after exercise, the feel-good chemicals in your brain

• From a bi-polar point of view, these things are great in theory, and can be helpful to some extent, but you still don't touch the underlying problem. Let's take running for instance. I can think of 10 things easy that would set a person off into a rage.

You could also try writing letters, either to the people you're angry with or to your future self, to tell them/yourself how you're feeling and why. And if you don't know the 'why', your brain works things out as you write, so it will come to you. Putting things onto paper helps empty your head of the thoughts that have been crowding your headspace, as well as making them more concrete because they are now real and on the page, not just floating around in your head. This makes you think more clearly and therefore be less frustrated at being unable to understand or communicate what you are feeling and why. Writing letters helped me get over an ex because as I wrote I realised that it wasn't her I missed, it was the relationship that I missed, so that was a big help. You don't have to send the letters, just put them in a box and when you come back to them in 6 months / a year / several years time, you will be amazed at how far you've come!

You'll get through it, just take one day at a time!

• :facepalm:

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• One of the tools that I've found to be the most helpful is expecting something to go wrong, and working through how I'm going to handle it. For instance, we have some friends who have horrible kids. As parents, they suck! As friends, they're good people. They invited us out to a nice meal as a thank you for all we've done for them.

1. Decline the invitation knowing that it most likely result in a bad experience
2. Hope for the best but PLAN for the worst.

I still haven't decided if I could do that much planning....
​

Submitted with all due respects!

 

[phillycheez]

just wanted to chime in,

my brother was a meth addict and a drug dealer for years. After 13 years of such a life he was set up by a "friend" in a sting operation. Cops nailed him for "intent to sell" and was sent to jail. He spent 3 months there awaiting trial and trying to convince my parents to bail him out. As family we all knew keeping him in jail was best for him (sad i know), but it was the only way and we gave him way too many chances. He needed to suffer the consequences of his actions and life style. His stuff was in storage and he lost everything he owned. He had absolutely NOTHING. Due to family connections he was able to get in a great rehab program.

this rehab program was voluntarily and if you complete it all charges against you are dropped, if you leave you get no second chance. This was no ordinary program, there was no fixed completion date. You can be in there for 6 months or 5 years. You will not graduate unless they believe you are ready.

He is still not graduated 1 and half years later but he is almost out. He started coming to family functions again and his attitude is completely opposite. He is actually proud to be a plumber and making money the right way! He understands that it's something he doesn't want to do forever but it's a job and he is actually grateful. I am so proud of him.

Before this I was never a supporter for rehab as a lot of my friends went and came back only to go back to their usual habits but WORSE. Really, the best way to break a habit is to leave it completely for a long period of time. Family and friend support REALLY helps too.

I would research a good rehab program if I was you. Not a program that has a set date but one that will take you in as long as you need.

good luck buddy

 

[ThinkBachs]

just wanted to chime in...

First, 3 months in jail is nothing! Your family did all the right things and there's nothing sad about leaving him there- it's just what he needed.

Like I told my daughter who got caught with her cell phone in school: you knew you were doing something wrong, I can't believe you didn't get caught earlier than this, we knew you took it to school so there's no way we can be upset about you getting caught, and now you have to deal with getting caught.

 

[phillycheez]

I agree 3 months in jail is nothing. It is long enough to know you don't want to be there though. This jail was in San Francisco. Not the best jail in the world ...

I could have gone very in depth with the story ... this was not the first time he went to jail.. just wanted to give the OP hope and that it is possible to overcome addictions.

 

[Member X]

Without wishing to be disparaging towards methods that work for other people, I wouldn't (personally speaking) recommend switching from one dependency (alcohol) to another (pills of whatever variety).

• I see it as something that isn't any different than a person who needs insulin or takes calcium supplements to prevent Osteoporosis.

I'd like to think that I could cope with life on my own,

• I would like to think I could build a house on my own. This is were the knowledge of professionals and the right tools make a difference between a shanty and a home. Both could be considered a home, but which is better suited to protect you from the elements?

without the assistance of chemicals or alcohol, but do understand that these things can be used short term to 'get over the hump' of a problem that is being dealt with.

• True to a point, but if you're missing a leg, it's still better to have a crutch to help you get around than hopping all the time.

I've used St Johns Wort in the past (the herbal remedy) and I found it made a massive difference (start off on 3 a day and see how spaced you get LoL),

• So, it seems that something that grows out of the ground is acceptable, but not a substance that has been scientifically and chemically engineered to adjust a specific imbalance is just too ooky to be acceptable. Gotcha.

although I didn't want to stay on it for too long because I felt like my perception of life was altered. It did however help me through a difficult patch when I was extremely down.

• I don't even know where start or end with this. I've entered into conversations with people that prefer natural remedies and it always ends in a draw.

Do you do exercise? Could you work the anger you're feeling into self-improvement, pushing yourself harder to run further or push more weights or swim further? That might be the best thing to do. If you're too tired from exercise to feel angry, it will enable you to relax and think more clearly about why you're angry. It will also make you fitter and release endorphins after exercise, the feel-good chemicals in your brain

• From a bi-polar point of view, these things are great in theory, and can be helpful to some extent, but you still don't touch the underlying problem. Let's take running for instance. I can think of 10 things easy that would set a person off into a rage.

You could also try writing letters, either to the people you're angry with or to your future self, to tell them/yourself how you're feeling and why. And if you don't know the 'why', your brain works things out as you write, so it will come to you. Putting things onto paper helps empty your head of the thoughts that have been crowding your headspace, as well as making them more concrete because they are now real and on the page, not just floating around in your head. This makes you think more clearly and therefore be less frustrated at being unable to understand or communicate what you are feeling and why. Writing letters helped me get over an ex because as I wrote I realised that it wasn't her I missed, it was the relationship that I missed, so that was a big help. You don't have to send the letters, just put them in a box and when you come back to them in 6 months / a year / several years time, you will be amazed at how far you've come!

You'll get through it, just take one day at a time!

• :facepalm:

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Well, I am not going to go through point by point to respond as these exchanges usually just turn into an argument which ends in neither side altering their viewpoint and both sides feeling worse off for the exchange.

Your experiences are different to mine. I don't see why knowledge from my experiences (or anyone else's experiences) is any less worthy of suggestion than knowledge from your experiences - all have been gained through going through the experiences for ourselves and all may be suggestions that Bruce may wish to look into further. No reasonable suggestion can be classified as suitable or unsuitable because there has been no 'official' diagnosis of any specific disorder or illness yet, if there is to be one. I don't see the need for a facepalm smiley over something you disagree with or feel would be ineffective; what works for an individual may not work for others, we are all unique.

Bruce has not been diagnosed 'officially' with Bi-Polar or any other disorder. Until he has sought further advice from a medical practitioner, all prognoses are effectively moot.

We're all wanting to try to help Bruce, let's not get into an argument over who is 'right' and who is 'wrong' and whose experience is more worthy.


Bruce - I hope suggestions made in this thread, no matter by whom, offer some potential options and enable you to move forward.