YOU’VE BEEN IN THE MILITARY TOO LONG... [crude language]

[Para]

...YOU’VE BEEN IN THE MILITARY TOO LONG IF YOU REMEMBER THE DAYS WHEN IT WAS OK TO SAY:

[OR 13 FLAVORFUL THINGS YOU (UNFORTUNTALY) NO LONGER HEAR FROM YOU DRILL INSTRUCTOR… ]

1. Apologize for being a dumbass by cleaning these latrines with a fuckin' toothbrush.

2. I guess we’re both disappointed… you were hoping I would help you with your damn' problem and I was hoping my unit wouldn’t include helpless morons like you.

3. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view, you truly are “specialâ€, but nobody in this unit gives a damn what you think.

4. I see you've set aside this special time to get my foot way up your fourth point of contact.

5. I'll try easing up on your ass when you'll start living up to the honor of wearing the same uniform I'm wearing.

6. I know what your problem is, and I can fix it with some corrective training right fuckin' now.

7. People like you keep reinforcing my inherent mistrust of scumbags… and our deteriorating military selection and indoctrination process.

8. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, and my duties are NOT just ceremonial… and, by the way, I love my fuckin' job!

9. Your crybaby whiny-assed opinion makes me puke… and guess who will clean up?

10. Oh I get it... you try to find out how far up your ass my boot can go… bent over, maggot!

11. By the time I’m done with you, you will surely realize that I hate your guts and whoever gave birth to a dirtbag like you.

12. In case that makes any difference to you, if you don't do what I just told you, I will take your head off and send it to your home of record for the holidays.

13. Oh, was I being rude? Did I hurt your feelings? Man, I’m just getting warmed up, pussy cat!

p.s. I got a similar list for civilians years ago... it inspired me to put one together for the military!

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ADD YOUR OWN GEMS!!

 

[ahw676]

I think that the list for attending surgeons to their general surgery residents is similar.

 

[dellhd101]

Nominate for RWI Chuckle of the Day!

 

[d4m.test]

One off the top of my head, and I'll contribute more later...

"You thought? Airman, you DO NOT get paid to think...thinking is done at a pay grade much higher than your own...WHEN YOU DO GET PAID TO THINK, you, me and others will be given a memorandum stating that you are now capable of cognative military thinking all by yourself. UNTIL THAT TIME COMES, AIR-MAN, sit the f**k down, shut the f**k up, cross your legs, hold your nose, close your eyes and fart so you can clear your mind of any unauthorized thought processes.

 

[whoosh70]

Here's the 10 rules of dating a drill instructors daughter........

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.


Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.


Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.


Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.


Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."


Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.


Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?


Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.


Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.


Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

 

[Para]

Here's the 10 rules of dating a drill instructors daughter........

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Woosh: I am laughing my ass off... this one is a winner!

 

[brtelec]

For the new divers offshore, my favorite is.....No one has any interest in what you are thinking and I would prefer that you just do not do it. If I need some one else's opinion I will find some one capable of it. All we want from you is "Neck to the Deck"!!! Now shut the fuck up!!

I use this often. The new divers are called tenders and the really new tenders are called "Red Hat", because they are required to wear a bright red or safety orange hard hat. It is an interesting dynamic out there, we literally treat these guys like shit. It is a weeding out process and the attrition rate is amazing. It is better now, but we still lose 75 out of every 100 tenders in the first year. We lose the first 25 in about 60 days. I know BOD has seen it first hand.

 

[ahw676]

@whoosh70: I'd seen that a few years ago entitled "eight rules for dating my teenage daughter" but I hadn't seen rules nine and ten before.

 

[whoosh70]

@whoosh70: I'd seen that a few years ago entitled "eight rules for dating my teenage daughter" but I hadn't seen rules nine and ten before.

Bruce Cameron wasn't it?..............Utter genius and every father can empathise!!

This thread reminds me of the (short) 5 years i spent in the military.....and the worst thing i said to a drill instructor....

Every day spending 5 hours getting kit ready for inspection....2 hours sleep and a drill instructor so uptight his tie didn't need ironing....

Inspection comes round, the feeling of confidence that it was all "just perfect" and ramrod ass launches the bedpack and locker contents out of the window, 2 storeys down to the grass below..........

One day....so tired i was hallucinating......i replied, "does your wife mind when you do that at home?"

Latrines........toothbrush.....nuff said.........

 

[hooligan]

Me: "Thank you, Drill Sergeant."

Him: "Hell, don't thank me, thank your recruiter."


Him: "Private, you are pissing on the wheels of progress. You are moving like pond water!"

Oh and lots of "beat your face" (do push-ups).

 

[Para]

[I was an O-3 at the time]
Me (to 1x O-4 and 1x O-5): Where were you? You are 30min late and I've been trying to reach you for the last 20min. and I have already made changes to the plans based on your absence.

O-5: We stopped to eat, we knew we'd be late.

Me: You can't be serious; when one of my enlisted pulls one like this, I ride his ass long and hard.

O-5: Don't forget who you're speaking to... I am a Lieutenant-Colonel in the United States Army!

Me: Are pulling rank on me, Sir? Because, this is MY mission... Check again, I'm in charge... so if you're planning on doing as you please and disregard my instructions like you obviously just did... I'd rather do without you. Do we have a clear understanding? Now, I need you to...

O-4 & O-5: [Leave to do what I asked... I must have looked pretty pissed!]

 

[TAGfan]

I have always loved this one --


"Oh that's right, Private Pyle, don't make any f***ing effort to get to the top of the f***ing obstacle. If God would have wanted you up there he would have miracled your ass up there by now, wouldn't he? "

 

[fromo1946]

And on that note;
As I was walking across the quad at Phu Cat AB Viet Nam, 1970, I heard this voice yelling at the top of his lungs "Sergeant"!! This was repeated several times until I heard the footsteps aproach me from behind. There stood this MSGT with the greenest jungle fatigues, inches from my face, he asked where was my hat? I replied, in my pocket, to his dismay, he asked why the F**k I wasn't wearing it. My reply was because my head wouldn't fit in my pocket.
He proceeded to yell up and down what he was going to do to me; he asked for my name, to which I then reached up and ripped my name tag off my most faded tiger fatigues and handed it to him. The look on his face when I told him I was on my way to the Aerial Port for my departure to the world...I had done my 18 months in country and leaving for the world.

The most appropriate response should've been, Falcon Code #209- Excuse me sir, I do beleive you think you're speaking to someone who give a shit.

"Sometimes it just doesn't pay to get up in the morning and put a rattlesnake in your shorts...."

 

[ahw676]

I thought men LIKED waking up in the morning with a rattlesnake in his shorts.

 

[fromo1946]

Obviously, you didn't watch The Discovery Channel last week, it showed these idiots playing around with cobras and rattlesnakes. Yep, the stupid factor caught up with them and the results were sobering, WTF!!! I'm sure you've seen your share of gore in the ER, but thse idiots asked for it. No thanks, I'll pass and stick with...what am I talking about? Hey, never mind sleep walking is bad enough.

 

[dreamchoc]

You Know You have been in Iraq too long when. ...

# When you start humming with the Arabic song playing on the radio on the shuttle bus

# You actually volunteer for convoy security duty because you still haven't seen the country yet

# You start picturing your wife in traditional Arab dress

# The contractors have more fire power than the military combat units

# Your thinking of buying real estate in the green zone

Dreamchoc (Ex II Para)

 

[R2D4]

Nominate for RWI Chuckle of the Day!

Completely Agree! Para you are lucky #14 in our WatchEden Certificate giveaway. Thanks for serving in the military and thanks for this humorous post.