If you are easily shocked or my eight-year-old niece, get out of here.
Otherwise, read on . . .
This issue:
American Tour
Fifty filthy limericks,
one for each state in the union
plus Washington D.C. (and there's one for Larry, who loves limericks)
A recent ex-virgin from Maine
Found intercourse mostly a pain:
"He just rips off my drawers,
Spews, rolls over and snores,
Leaving me in a rank, sodden stain."
A careless shop prof in New Hampshire
Got his 2-by-6 caught in a clamp. Sure
Enough, it got dented,
Which his missus lamented
'Cause now he just fingers and champs her.
The Tantric adept from Vermont
To show his adroitness is wont
To hold it all back
Till his balls turn blue-black
And then spew spouts of sperm like a font.
There's a place in Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Where the women have not one but two sets
Of boobs, but no cracks
To accomp'ny those racks,
So the men have perpetual blue sets.
The charming young man from Rhode Island
Had an uncanny knack to beguile and
Seduce lovely women,
And leave their heads swimmin'
When he'd hump 'em and head for the highland.
The coarse, boorish lout from Connecticut
Was hopeless in hygiene and etiquette.
His comportment was crass,
His B.O. could cut glass,
And his breath smelled like something a yeti cut.
A fresh-faced young frosh from New York
Still thought babies were brought by the stork.
A soph set him straight
And he went on a date
With "protection": a very small cork.
One lady from east Pennsylvania
Had a rather unorthodox mania:
She'd shave her dates' heads,
Strap them tight to their beds
And then masturbate on their bald crania.
A low-life from Summit, New Jersey
Had a thing about women in furs. He
Would sneak up behind,
Pull his putz out and grind
Till he'd cream in a stream like the Mersey.
Young Carol's main pastime in Maryland
Was stripping off all her apparel and,
'Twixt her tits or her thighs
Jerking off local guys,
Who referred to it as "getting Carolyned".
A rather strange dude down in Delaware
Liked to have someone stick an umbrella where
You and I couldn't stand it --
He'd just howl and demand it
Right up his... Oh, surely you're well aware.
Said the swell to the belle from Virginia,
"After all that I've done now to win ya!
Dinners, movies and plays
And it's always me pays --
Tell me: what does it take to get in ya?!"
A buxom young lass from West Va.
Was modeling her newly-bought bra.
When asked if he might
Find the fit a bit tight,
Her boyfriend just smiled and said, "Naaah."
He suffered, in North Carolina,
From "Royalist's Syndrome": in fine, a
Compulsion to kneel,
When his girlfriend would peel
Off her knickers, and shout, "Hail Regina!"
A sous chef from South Carolina
Hooked the MixMaster to her vagina.
She would prep and deglaze
In an orgasmic haze
And her moaning would rattle the china.
A strapping young man down in Georgia
Had no inkling of how he should forge a
Romantic relation.
His idea of flirtation
Was to unzip and yell "Comin' towardja!"
"So how was spring break down in Florida?"
"To tell you the truth, it was horrid. A
Nice guy bought me booze
Till I puked on his shoes...
I was hoping for something more torrid." "Duh!"
For a hot time in warm Alabama,
On a Saturday night Nate would cram a
Small mike up his bum
And then sing, fart and hum
Delta blues to amuse his ol' gramma.
When the salesman from fair Mississippi
Came back home from a very long trip, he
(Rememb'ring the whores,
the discharges, the sores...)
Said, "Oh, darling? Now please don't get snippy..."
A choir girl from Louisiana
Was AKA "Holy Ghost Hanna".
She'd devoutly say grace,
And then sit on your face
While intoning a lusty "Hosanna!"
A tourist in Little Rock, Arkansas
Went strolling in Riverfront Park and saw
A thin girl with one tooth
Getting rimmed by a youth,
Who informed him, "We call it 'Ozarkin'! Chaw?"
At an orgy in old Tennessee
Eric paused 'cause he had to go pee.
When he finished his whizz, he
Found all the cunts busy,
And had to make do with Claire's knee.
One earnest young man from Kentucky
Would do anything for a fuck. He
Had paid to see mimes,
Read The Bell Jar three times,
And had even sat through Mr. Lucky.
And then there's that oaf from Ohio,
Whose pubic hair covered his thigh. O-
vergrown, dank and fungal,
It stank like the jungle
And harbored more crabs than the bayou.
She day-traded stocks, Indiana
Was her address, and at night a banana
Lessened her stress. When she struck it
Rich she said, "Fuck it --
Tonight I live large: a Havana!"
An adulterous woman from Michigan
Was told by her lover, "Oh Trish! Again,
I remind you to douche
Lest your spouse find it louche
When you come home from 'bowling' and squish again."
A brash broad from Chi, Illinois,
Had the moniker "Helen of Troy".
For with tongue, lip and gum
She'd launched gallons of come,
Though her face wouldn't float a small buoy.
The well-endowed man from Wisconsin
Was unreasonably proud of his johnson.
He saw every locale --
House, street, car, bar or gal --
As a venue to show off his schwantz in.
In the marshlands of north Minnesota
Lives a naturalist with a quota:
If he ain't dipped his member
Twelve times by December
He recoups with the local biota.
A basketball player from Iowa
Bragged he'd made twenty thousand girls sigh. Oh, a
Small detail: his dong
Was not three inches long.
(Just forgot to put that in his bio, huh?)
The would-be Don Juan from Missouri
Guzzled gin till the whole world looked blurry.
When he hit on Miss Frost,
He saw two cry, "Get lost!"
But the third murmured, "You're hot -- let's hurry!"
A sculptress from crisp North Dakota
Thought that all of her actions were nota-
ble. Guys she had boffed
Were lured up to her loft,
Where she'd sign, date and number their scrota.
As a kid in remote South Dakota,
He was caught in a clinch with a goat. A
Friend asked him, "Say, Ben,
Have you changed much since then?"
He replied, "Neaaaaaaagh -- not one iota."
A nature-freak guy in Nebraska
Found al fresco sex too much to ask: "A
Mown field is too rough,
Wheat chaff clogs up her muff,
And the cowshit! I'm off to Alaska!"
Two mischievous stock boys in Kansas
Liked to rub the fresh fruits with their glanses.
One explained, "It's good kicks,
Peach fuzz tickles our wicks,
And the air from the cooler vent fans us."
He claimed to have fled Oklahoma
To escape the foul oil fields' aroma.
But the natural gas
That escaped from his ass
Had put many stout men in a coma.
The self-styled seducer from Texas
Thought he'd score more hot babes with a Lexus.
All he got was a slap,
Plus a fierce dose of clap
And two painful swift kicks to the plexus.
A slightly deaf dyke in New Mexico
Preferred Russians and Slavics for sex. A co-
worker asked if she'd ever
Eaten chicken Kiev. Her
Reply was, "Yeah, 'bout seven Czechs ago."
She chose "Frat Night" at U. Arizona
To unveil her new daring persona.
She awoke overhung,
With each orifice rung
By a strange, whitish, crusty corona.
The wrestler from cool Colorado
Swaggered 'round like some tough desperado.
But he ended up beat
With his trunks 'round his feet,
Up his ass: un unripe avocado.
A Sunday school pupil in Utah
Liked to play with himself in his pew. Ta-
bernacular rite
was profaned when he'd cite:
". . . Leviticus, Numbers, then Deut--AAAHHHHHH!"
The cowgirl from rural Wyoming
Couldn't stand her man's amorous roaming.
So she pruned his prick, dipped it
In formol and shipped it
To Laramie Trophies for chroming.
That nice Jewish boy from Montana
Says that pussy is sort of like manna:
"It feels like from heaven,
Tastes fine without leaven,
And transports me straight to Nirvana."
An ultra-right-winger from Idaho
Went out looking for trouble and spied a ho-
mosexual pub,
Went in wielding a club,
And came out, walking funny, astride a hoe.
A hormone-crazed lad from Nevada
Dreamed of one thing: the whole enchilada.
Said he, "Hand jobs and wanks
At least void my sperm banks,
But compared to a shag they're just nada."
No dick for that chick up in Wash-
ington -- she prefers sex with a squash:
"It's stiff 'round the clock,
There's no chance of it knock-
ing me up, and there's no messy slosh."
The insatiable cocksman from Oregon
Had stayed up to fuck until four again.
As he salved his raw dick,
His spent spouse called in sick
And complained, "Bruised my butt on the floor again."
To her new beau from bright California,
The blonde said, "I guess I should warn ya --
I'm unfaithful, on drugs,
I enjoy taunting thugs,
And when I find a rich guy I'll scorn ya."
An outdoorsy young lass in Alaska
Found that sex in the wild was a task: "A
North wind chills my tush,
Snowdrifts form on my bush,
And the moose turds! I'm off to Nebraska!"
The thrill-seeking sport from Hawaii
Sought more dangerous exploits to try. He
Nude-bungeed the falls
And the cord caught his balls.
His last words were: "Ready! Set! Aaiiieeeeee!!!!"
A senator new to D.C.
Asked an intern to dinner Chez Guy:
"We'll savor moules crus,
Hardy saucisse au jus,
And wind up with some nice, runny brie."
