I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails

[daytona4me]

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past

year.



Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper

towel.



I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last

person was doing while flipping through the channels.



I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has

happened on it since it was last washed.



I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon

peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.



I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the

number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose.



Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine

how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.



I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a

public bathroom.



I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the

glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope

that needs sealing.



Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.



I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)

who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.



I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the

$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating

in their special e-mail program



I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out

for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.



I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant

freaks with no eyes or feathers.



I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water

buffalo on a hot day..



Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward

an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.



Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove

toilet stains.



I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car

so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.



I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these

products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.



I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.



And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave

anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.



I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked

with a needle infected with AIDS.



I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume

sample and rob me.



I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al

Qaeda in disguise.



I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our

American troops or the Salvation Army.



I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number

for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,

Singapore and Uzbekistan .



I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their

recipe.



Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown

African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it

bites my butt.



And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the

parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist waiting

underneath my car to grab my leg.



If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70

minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this

afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to

grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a

friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's

cousin's beautician...



Have a wonderful day...

 

[horologie_unitas]

great ....so funny !

by the way, thanks for tracking #.... i hope customs will have mercy !

i get back to you.

HAGWE !!

 

[xword]

I just had to read this didn't I. Thanks a lot. Now I'm even more paranoid and who thought that was possible?

 

[Timmy!]

Dude! I actually learned a few things! Thanks!

 

[Hambone]

Sounds like you are on the way to a germ/terrorrist/crime free life with all this helpful advice you have been deluged with. Just get a pair of boiled tweezers, reach into a sterile bottle of tylenol, and take two every 8 hours so your head does not throb with pain trying to remember all that stuff.

 

[brtelec]

I love that. I especially love to watch the germophobes overwash their hands and over wash and overcook their food, and they are always sick. No germs = no immunities. I think it is hilarious.

 

[alvinado]

I hate those emails!! Great Post!

 

[turtlelax23]

Too funny. I can't stand those emails!!! I copied and pasted it in an email to all my "friends and family" that fill my mailbox with all of this CRAP!

 

[seventhexile]

I love that. I especially love to watch the germophobes overwash their hands and over wash and overcook their food, and they are always sick. No germs = no immunities. I think it is hilarious.

+ 1

my roommate is like that, always washing his hands.... and always sick..


me.. I don't mind some dirt w/ my food - granted I probably have worms..
But at least I rarely get sick

 

[kitersoze]

hysterical, g. i read somewhere once that for like 20-30 seconds after somone takes a dump, there's tiny little microparticles of feces essence that float all around a bathroom, before eventually making it to the floor. so think of that next time you walk into a public restroom, n see just how long you can hold yr breath, g!! :lol: :lol:

yeah, i've never understood why the SOP of people using public restrooms is to wash only AFTER they go. they go into the public restroom after touching everything outside, touching the handle to the door, possibly touching the stall door, possibly lifting/lowering the seat w/ their hand (i use my feet)... then handle their own equipment. my stuff's the cleanest thing in there and hasn't touched anything outside! then you go n then wash yr hands after?

if you're concerned abt germs, washing before would seem more effective to me...

 

[ahw676]

touching the handle to the door, possibly touching the stall door, possibly lifting/lowering the seat w/ their hand (i use my feet)... then handle their own equipment. my stuff's the cleanest thing in there and hasn't touched anything outside!

I have now found a man after my own heart. I use my feet too. Not that you would expect to find seats up in the ladies room, but it happens.

So hey, D4ME, welcome to the happy land of OCD. But you forgot this one:

http://digg.com/d1HhOK

Having said that, while I have a complete bathroom phobia, I will say that I will routinely eat food that's been sitting out in the ER for twelve hours and it doesn't scare me in the slightest. While the people who have to throw out everything that's been sitting at room temperature longer than thirty minutes are the ones who are always sick. My theory is that you can't mollycoddle your gut flora.

 

[phaedo]

I use my feet too.

Oh god, the mind boggles at the possibilities there

 

[kitersoze]

I use my feet too.

Oh god, the mind boggles at the possibilities there

oohhhhhhhhhhhh, it's not just the mind that's boggling... :wink:

yeah, i'm w/ ahw: i'll eat just about any food in any state, n be fine. but fr whatever reason, a public bathroom that's used by the busload n sees very little janitorial services, especially one like at a park or a beach or a porta-poddy at a concert: i just want to boil myself afterwards...

 

[ahw676]

especially one like at a park or a beach or a porta-potty at a concert: i just want to boil myself afterwards...

I'd offer to join you, except for the parts that we'd be boiling would make it an interesting, um, group bath.

I use my feet too.

Oh god, the mind boggles at the possibilities there

And you should know that I do have talented feet.

 

[seventhexile]

especially one like at a park or a beach or a porta-potty at a concert: i just want to boil myself afterwards...

I'd offer to join you, except for the parts that we'd be boiling would make it an interesting, um, group bath.

... Wooooo group bath..
hm.. idk y but I have a feeling D4m would be the person to pee in the pool
.. just a feeling

I use my feet too.

Oh god, the mind boggles at the possibilities there

And you should know that I do have talented feet. [/quote]

Monkey toes !

 

[ahw676]

Hey, would it be considered in appropriate to tell kitersoze that any time I use a public restroom now I can't help but think of my comrade-in-um-feet?

Could be worse. At least I typically have my panties off when I'm thinking of you. That's got to be worth something.

 

[levelmanroger]

You just gotta love her! :lol:

 

[dellhd101]

Hey, would it be considered in appropriate to tell kitersoze that any time I use a public restroom now I can't help but think of my comrade-in-um-feet?

Could be worse. At least I typically have my panties off when I'm thinking of you. That's got to be worth something.

kiter won't be able to sleep tonight after that one...
:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

 

[kitersoze]

I'd offer to join you, except for the parts that we'd be boiling would make it an interesting, um, group bath.

oh don't tease me...

And you should know that I do have talented feet.

stop it, dear; that's just cruel...

Hey, would it be considered in appropriate to tell kitersoze that any time I use a public restroom now I can't help but think of my comrade-in-um-feet?

Could be worse. At least I typically have my panties off when I'm thinking of you. That's got to be worth something.

[dead silence] {as in the sound, or lack thereof, of one kiter lying in a heap passed out from over-excitement, over-exertion, or some combination of the two}

there are, i am sure, some men who would find it offensive or insulting to be thought of only when "A" "H"ot "W"oman is relieving herself.
happily, i am no such man... 8) (ohjeez, i may just hv to put this in 'my signature' tag line...)

clever girl. turn us on while mocking us... oh my, you do know how to cut straight to the heart of men, don't you now... :wink:

 

[ahw676]

there are, i am sure, some men who would find it offensive or insulting to be thought of only when "A" "H"ot "W"oman is relieving herself.
happily, i am no such man... 8) (ohjeez, i may just hv to put this in 'my signature' tag line...)

When you say "relieving herself" you mean "peeing" right? Because as much as I want you to feel good about yourself, the other visual was not what I was talking about. I mean, we ARE talking about a public restroom.

Or is this part of the AHW rites of passage from boyhood to man?

BTW, I was going to comment that it would be safe to touch AHW's purse because it's not going to get anywhere CLOSE to a public restroom floor, or even the sink, especially if it's wet. But then some smarta$$ would have to ask if when I say "purse", it's a euphemism for something naughtier, and then this thread would devolve into something weird.

And this forum is nothing if not classy, right?