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Days Of The British Empire :-)

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Phil G, Sep 13, 2016.

  1. Phil G

    Phil G Finder of the best bits of the internetz - TB99      

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    [TD]In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
    After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers. He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
    Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one-eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man, less than three feet tall.
    "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

    ''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."


    At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, we can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to piss off."


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  2. trailboss99

    trailboss99 Head Honcho - Trainee Cat Herder Staff Member      

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  3. DARKEST

    DARKEST Well-Known Member  

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  4. yllekp

    yllekp ASS KICKER / NAME TAKER Staff Member        

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    Man in Black: You say you are an Irishman. Why should you be loyal to the British dogs, who want to take you to Lisbon to shoot you?
    Patrick Harper: Jesus, you took the words right out of my mouth.
    Man in Black: I can help you. Give me the box?
    Patrick Harper: And if I do?
    Man in Black: You will be rich.
    Patrick Harper: And if I don't?
    Man in Black: You will be dead.
    Patrick Harper: Hmm... well, you're having the best of the argument so far.
    Man in Black: I will give you one hundred guineas in gold, and safe passage to America.
    Patrick Harper: America? That'd be nice. But you see, the King of England, owes me last month's wages. And I'd never sleep easy in America knowing that that bastard owes me a shilling!
    Man in Black: You would die for a shilling?
    Patrick Harper: That's what I signed on to do.
    Man in Black: You will have to do it.
    Patrick Harper: [hefts his rifle] It's a grand day for it!
     
  5. cpd2186

    cpd2186 RWI SUPPORTER    

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    Two young Australian soldiers come walking out the pub at closing time. Both are very inebriated and late in getting back to base. Their General comes walking towards the pub to get a drink and one of the soldiers say "Hey bloke, do you know what time it is and how to get back to the base?" The General, extremely offended and pissed off says "Do you know who I am?" The soldier that asked the question looked at his buddy and said "This guy is worse off then us! We dont know where we are, but he doesn't know who he is!"
     
  6. Harrison84

    Harrison84 Member  

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    Two Elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”


    "I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
     
  7. Harrison84

    Harrison84 Member  

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    sorry wrong thread ;)